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Full Version: I Am Suicidal....
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So yeah, I am...

Two years ago via a safe online space for people with depression etc, I met a girl, she had a particularly nasty tale of woe. She had been raped three times in her life and spent four years with an abusive scumbag who sounds like a serial killer. I was there for her, she was there for me, we fell in love, or so I thought. 

The problem was I was fairly non-committal and then I decided I wanted to be in a relationship with her properly like she had been asking me to and not just seeing each other and other stuff as we had been. Around this time she got quiet, distant and mysterious. I asked her many times if there was something going and she said there wasn't. I told her I wanted to be with her, she got more quiet, then in January it came out that she had been seeing another guy for a month and lying to me about it. 

Now in this situation, you say your goodbyes and you move on right? I tried. Despite her being with someone else, she told me she loved me, couldn't live without me but didn't know how to end it with the new guy. She told me I was her best friend and she would die without me, I told her repeatedly that I was happy for her, I could live with it if he was decent to her and we could part friends. Somehow all of this lead to her sinking into the deepest depression she had experienced, she was not eating, not doing anything but sleeping and constantly on the verge of suicide. I now realise this was all a ruse to keep me around. So I stayed, supported her, did my best. 

Every time I expressed a desire to move on with my life she would melt down, saying my desire to go travelling made her feel like she had been stabbed in the stomach, saying that me just wanting to cut contact sent her into a I stayed, but I limited contact to around once or twice a week, trying to phase her out. 

Back on the supposed safe online space meanwhile, I had started to notice something. One of her friends posting comments about someone supposedly being a manipulative prick and acting nasty. I asked her if this was aimed at me, her response "It's just a person on the internet"

So we come to five weeks ago, I lost my temper with her, asked her what would happen if I shared our WhatsApp conversations with her boyfriend? Of course she flew into one, posted online that I was emotionally blackmailing her (even though I immediately retracted it and said I wouldn't, but y'know drama) and then I see a corresponding post from big man online saying someone was stooping so low to get what they want. At this point I confronted him about it, he didn't say much but he said enough to indicate all his posts had been about me. 

I'll give you an example - April, I float the possibility that I don't love her anymore, she flies into one and melts down, goes quiet for a day and as usual I'm left wondering whether she has committed suicide or not. His corresponding post based on this? "People get really nasty when you don't want to be with them anymore" so what was he talking about her? or me? because nothing he was posting was reflecting the conversations I had with her. So I quit the website, told her not to contact me again and that was five weeks ago. 

Here's a list of things I did for her: 

1. Found her her current therapist she sees and offered to help pay for the sessions
2. When she was in hospital I wrote to the local mental health authority when she claimed she was being mistreated
3. Helped her find her current job and wrote her CV for her.

So the reason I want to die is this. This person brought hatred and anger into my life. The lies about the other guy I forgave, the lies to other people to perpetrate a narrative that I'm the asshole I can never forgive. I will say that I used this safe online space a lot to deal with my own issues and get support, she bullied me off there and now I have no support or help at all. 

I cant live with this anger. All I want to do is scream at her how much I hate her but this will probably get spun into some other nonsense. There is no other way out. 

Thank you if you read all this. I hope that if you take anything from this its just that people, even the seemingly nicest and most downtrodden amongst us are capable of incredibly evil deeds. I now realised she preyed on my caring nature and destroyed a good person for her own ego. I never thought she would do all of this.