Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Depression
^ What he said.
Reply
(10-01-2019, 12:07 PM)boone daniels Wrote: I've alluded to this before, but this month (October) is both my mom's birthday and the 30th anniversary of her death. I've kind of been dreading it all year. I feel like I've been trying to be more positive and upbeat around here and not quite an asshole, but if I'm a little tetchy or short with folks this month, that's part of the reason why. However, I'm going to do my best to just remove myself from any conflict before I feel myself getting too overheated.

[delurking in the depression thread again]

The seventh anniversary of my Mom's death is approaching. It's actually in February, but it was a week before Christmas when we got "the news," so I associate it more with that time of year.  

Meanwhile, I continue to struggle with bipolar and the truckload of misery that comes with that. Recently, I started Lamictal. When it kicked in, I felt amazing- best I've felt in years. It was almost like mania minus all the negatives. Of course, it didn't last. I'll get a dosage bump when I see my doctor, but I don't know if that will help. It's like getting a winning lottery ticket and being told it's a misprint. 

I lost two of my cats to cancer within two weeks. Loved them more than most of my blood relatives. 

One of my chief coping mechanisms was my elliptical machine. When it died, I went for a more "advanced" model. It was DOA, and it has been a non-stop struggle with Sole for two and a half years to get a working machine. It's my White Whale. The best part was when they sent the same guy out seven times, without even coming close to fixing it. His behavior became so bizarre that I very nearly called 911. 

And just this morning, I was out for a walk and felt a very uncomfortable throb in the lower right of my back. I'd been having to make a lot of late-night bathroom trips lately, so now I'm worried about what that means.
Reply
My mental health has been on the upswing of late. I hope I've been a more pleasant contributor to the boards. Thanks for the well-wishers and to those who reached out when the chips were down.

(even if I didn't respond, or click on the message - it was appreciated and helpful)

Last year this time I wasn't sure I was going to make it - I don't have that same overbearing since of defeat and piercing loneliness, just middle age holiday melancholy, but I can live with that. Peace.

"Got concrete rhymes, been rappin' for ten years and

Even when I'm braggin', I'm bein' sincere"



"Teenage angst has paid off well/ Now I'm bored and old"


"Drunk as hell, but no throwin' up

Half way home and my pager still blowin' up"


"I'm tired of living all alone
yeah, nobody ever calls me on the phone
But when things start getting bad
I just play my music louder"





Reply
Very glad to read that you're feeling steadier, Elvis. And I appreciate your contributions to the boards!


(Even if your sig is too long! Tongue)
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
Elvis, you and I fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but you know I've always considered you a friend. I've really enjoyed your contributions to the boards as of late, and your contributions to the best of the decade/best director of the decade list are fascinating. You always put cool things on my radar.

I'm glad to hear you're doing better, my man. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk.
home taping is killing music
Reply
Rock on Elvis, happy to hear it!


(10-08-2019, 04:17 PM)coldrobotheart Wrote:
(10-01-2019, 12:07 PM)boone daniels Wrote: I've alluded to this before, but this month (October) is both my mom's birthday and the 30th anniversary of her death. I've kind of been dreading it all year. I feel like I've been trying to be more positive and upbeat around here and not quite an asshole, but if I'm a little tetchy or short with folks this month, that's part of the reason why. However, I'm going to do my best to just remove myself from any conflict before I feel myself getting too overheated.

[delurking in the depression thread again]

The seventh anniversary of my Mom's death is approaching. It's actually in February, but it was a week before Christmas when we got "the news," so I associate it more with that time of year.  

Meanwhile, I continue to struggle with bipolar and the truckload of misery that comes with that. Recently, I started Lamictal. When it kicked in, I felt amazing- best I've felt in years. It was almost like mania minus all the negatives. Of course, it didn't last. I'll get a dosage bump when I see my doctor, but I don't know if that will help. It's like getting a winning lottery ticket and being told it's a misprint. 

I lost two of my cats to cancer within two weeks. Loved them more than most of my blood relatives. 

One of my chief coping mechanisms was my elliptical machine. When it died, I went for a more "advanced" model. It was DOA, and it has been a non-stop struggle with Sole for two and a half years to get a working machine. It's my White Whale. The best part was when they sent the same guy out seven times, without even coming close to fixing it. His behavior became so bizarre that I very nearly called 911. 

And just this morning, I was out for a walk and felt a very uncomfortable throb in the lower right of my back. I'd been having to make a lot of late-night bathroom trips lately, so now I'm worried about what that means.

I missed this one when you posted it, how are you doing now dude?
Reply
(12-10-2019, 01:09 PM)Bucho Wrote:
(10-08-2019, 04:17 PM)coldrobotheart Wrote:
(10-01-2019, 12:07 PM)boone daniels Wrote: I've alluded to this before, but this month (October) is both my mom's birthday and the 30th anniversary of her death. I've kind of been dreading it all year. I feel like I've been trying to be more positive and upbeat around here and not quite an asshole, but if I'm a little tetchy or short with folks this month, that's part of the reason why. However, I'm going to do my best to just remove myself from any conflict before I feel myself getting too overheated.

[delurking in the depression thread again]

The seventh anniversary of my Mom's death is approaching. It's actually in February, but it was a week before Christmas when we got "the news," so I associate it more with that time of year.  

Meanwhile, I continue to struggle with bipolar and the truckload of misery that comes with that. Recently, I started Lamictal. When it kicked in, I felt amazing- best I've felt in years. It was almost like mania minus all the negatives. Of course, it didn't last. I'll get a dosage bump when I see my doctor, but I don't know if that will help. It's like getting a winning lottery ticket and being told it's a misprint. 

I lost two of my cats to cancer within two weeks. Loved them more than most of my blood relatives. 

One of my chief coping mechanisms was my elliptical machine. When it died, I went for a more "advanced" model. It was DOA, and it has been a non-stop struggle with Sole for two and a half years to get a working machine. It's my White Whale. The best part was when they sent the same guy out seven times, without even coming close to fixing it. His behavior became so bizarre that I very nearly called 911. 

And just this morning, I was out for a walk and felt a very uncomfortable throb in the lower right of my back. I'd been having to make a lot of late-night bathroom trips lately, so now I'm worried about what that means.

I missed this one when you posted it, how are you doing now dude? 

Thanks for asking. I'm in sort of a holding pattern. I finally decided to go to the doctor, when I still didn't think the symptoms were a big deal. Like three days later, they blew up. Extremely unpleasant, but it's the same BPH I've had before so I'm not terribly worried. 

Sole basically gave up and cut me a check for only the MSRP, meaning I was out a lot of money and a LOT of time. I was pissed that they refused to respond to any of my complaints, but I had to move on and get a Precor. Of course, that was right when the BPH hit, so I haven't even been able to use it. After my previous experience, I'm ultra-paranoid about finding out if it works.

The latest is that my dog had a terrifying epileptic seizure and for a few moments, I thought she was dead. Thankfully, she's responded very well to the medication. She could have been prescribed the same med I was just talking about.
Reply
Elvis: I know you and I have gotten into it several times. All that shit aside, I'm glad you're doing better and I've never wished you any ill will on a personal level. I hope that 2020 continues the upswing that you've been experiencing, sincerely.
Reply
(12-11-2019, 06:52 PM)coldrobotheart Wrote: Thanks for asking. I'm in sort of a holding pattern. I finally decided to go to the doctor, when I still didn't think the symptoms were a big deal. Like three days later, they blew up. Extremely unpleasant, but it's the same BPH I've had before so I'm not terribly worried. 

Sole basically gave up and cut me a check for only the MSRP, meaning I was out a lot of money and a LOT of time. I was pissed that they refused to respond to any of my complaints, but I had to move on and get a Precor. Of course, that was right when the BPH hit, so I haven't even been able to use it. After my previous experience, I'm ultra-paranoid about finding out if it works.

The latest is that my dog had a terrifying epileptic seizure and for a few moments, I thought she was dead. Thankfully, she's responded very well to the medication. She could have been prescribed the same med I was just talking about.

Yikes! Glad to hear both you and the pup are apparently on the right path now though.
Reply
It's Christmas Eve, and I'm just hoping everyone here is well.
Reply
I'll be working straight through it. My next day off is Saturday.
"I'd rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on Earth."--Steve McQueen
Reply
Still unemployed. Still reflecting on one of the most significant years of my life and trying not to get down on myself for ending it on kind of a down note. I don't know that depression is the right word... but I've definitely let myself fall into a slump. I'm frozen by indecision, or more accurately: A seemingly complete lack of options. Any path I choose from here is going to be an unhappy one that I'm most likely going to regret.

So instead I've just been plunging into my Steam library to escape into vast RPG worlds where I have a modicum of control over my destiny and hard work actually shows noticable results. The real world isn't quite so balanced.

It's not a healthy lifestyle, but I'm not daydreaming of suicide regularly like I was just 2 years ago. That has to be a step up, right?
-"You're not going insane - you're going sane in a crazy world!"
-The Tick
Reply
It is, and I do some of my best work when I find a distraction while
my intuitive, nonverbal mind does the lifting for a while. For some
of us it's a good way to process things.
Reply
...case in point. Since moving from New Hampshire to the Florida Keys back in August, I've been ground between the wheels of worse wages than I'm used to, higher cost of living than I'm used to, and missing the family that I'm closest to, my angels, who chose to have me and love me even after I finally came out of the closet in 2018.

The bad energy has been building up for a few months now, and while I was able to make it through the holidays by thinking of my loved ones up north, this morning I had to clock out at work and call a suicide hotline.

The wonderful lady at the hotline and I had a good talk, and I'm following her advice by getting out of this environment. Tomorrow, I'm catching a Greyhound bus back to my brother's neck of the woods. I've already talked it over with my brother and his wife, and they're happy to have me back. They're happy at the prospect of seeing me. They're happy to know that the danger I was in has passed and that I'm safe again.

Once I get resettled and find work up there and whatnot, I'll pursue the matter of possibly adjusting my medications with the psychologist at the nearest VA hospital. I'll also strongly reconsider the safety of pursuing the hormone replacement therapy that I was going to undergo as part of my gender transition, but which has a reported history of association with high suicide risk. That's several steps down the road, though, the steps that I'll leave on the back burner for now.

I wanted to see the sun on the calm waters of the Gulf of Mexico again, like I did in my twenties, and I wanted to smell the warm ocean breeze again. And you know what? I did that. I've checked the box. I've seen enough of Key West to satisfy my nostalgia, and it's on to the next thing. My brother has suggested that the next chapter of my eventual memoir be called "Danni's New England Adventures II: The Rehampshiring," and I do think I'll use that.

One day.

I have some travel preparations to make. Be well, guys, gals, and gentlebeings. Practice self care. I love you. I'll talk to you again soon.
Reply
You watch yourself, cowboy.  Safe travels!
Reply
I hope everything works out for you, Reasor.
Reply
We love you, Reasor!!
Reply
Take care of yourself, friend.
Reply
Wishing you all the best, Reasor.
Mangy Wrote:TCM 2 is like sentient cocaine.
Reply
I don't know if y'all know this, but you're pretty great.
Reply
Take care, Reasor.
“That which doesn't kill you wasn't done right.”—Khaya Dlanga
Reply
Be well Reasor, safe travels.
Reply
Be well, sir.
Reply
Take care of yourself, Reasor, and remember you have people who care about you/have your back.
home taping is killing music
Reply
Hey Reasor, not only do I wish you the best now and as you move forward, but everyone's favorite missing action hero Fraid texted me earlier to ask that I relay to you that he says all the best and to keep on keepin' on and that you're too great to let depression get in the way of your journey.


Because apparently Fraid continues to access the site and look at everything, but cannot log in and therefore post.  Which makes him like Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense, constantly lurking around in the background.  Hi Fraid!
If you're happy, you're not paying attention.

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny: 
Glad that you guys worked that out amongst yourselves.

Reply
Just echoing the support and good vibes. You do what you need to be healthy. We got your back here.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
Take care of yourself Reasor. All the best!
I might have been born yesterday sir, but I stayed up all night!
Reply
Rock on Reasor, great job not being afraid to reach out for a helping hand when you needed it. And Cthulhu bless the person who was on the other end of the line for you when you did.
Reply
Pausing in Orlando now, eleven hours into the road trip northward. What I love most about this thread, aside from the direct support we give each other, is having the ability to post about our own experiences in the aftermath - in case somebody needs one more anecdote that, yes, we can survive this.  Any one of us could turn the tide for someone else, on any given day.

It's murderous how economic pressure sets working people up to die of loneliness.  I was surrounded by natural beauty in the Keys, but work/life balance was a pipe dream.  Work didn't leave me time in the day to connect to anyone.  Applying this to my specific experience, it comes as a surprise to me that I'm not as emotionally independent as I thought I was.  This dismantles decades' worth of what I've thought about how I'm built.  My life has been as rough as it is because I've never given myself time to find a partner to go through life together with.  I was in the closet, hiding, for so long that I came to believe the desert of loneliness was something I could have adapted to.  I was lying, as a defense, and it worked for as long as it could.

This leads to a rebuilding of my plan for how I'm going to go about living as transgender.  I had previously resisted the impetus to start changing my wardrobe, wearing makeup, or introducing myself to strangers with my chosen name, thinking that there would be a future date when the hormone transition therapy had adjusted the way I present myself for me.  In hindsight, I was hoping for a passive solution where a path of least resistance would appear.  The realization that allowed me to come out to my family was that I deserve to live in honesty, and to be known and loved for who I am.  The realization that I'm carrying out of Florida is that I need to live in honesty, and to be known and loved for who I am.  As soon as I've recovered from this road trip north, it's going to be time to rebuild my wardrobe, starting with some affordable thrift store women's clothing.  It's going to be time to start soliciting tips on makeup from my sister in law, and wearing it to job interviews.  It's time to ditch the fear of rejection that has kept me from finding the people who can love me for who I am.  

I'm worth it.

The bus is boarding again.  Cheers, folks.  Things are looking up already.  I'll post again soon.
Reply
(01-04-2020, 05:42 AM)Reasor Wrote:  I'm worth it.

Just reposting this part for you to remind yourself when you need.

Yes, you are.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
My grandmother, who I was very close to, and helped raise me after my mom's death, died on Sunday. She was a very important part of my life - I identify as being partially from the South because I spent so much time there and with her. She was quite old and had been sick for a while, but still, it was very unexpected and I wish I had more time, as we all do.

Anyway, I'm pretty messed up about it.

If you know me on other forms of social media, please don't post about this there, as I haven't shared it yet with anyone but a few friends, and you guys.
home taping is killing music
Reply
I'm so sorry for your loss, Boone.
Mangy Wrote:TCM 2 is like sentient cocaine.
Reply
Aw man. Sorry for your loss, my friend.
Reply
Deep condolences, boone. I'm sure she knew how much you loved her and how important she was to you.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
Condolences, Boone. Very sorry to read about your loss. That sucks, man.


Today's been a bad week. A co-worker's teenage son was killed a few days ago in a car wreck. A father was driving a bunch of boys home from practice or something, and got hit by a drunk driver. My co-worker's son and the driver, the aforementioned father of one of the boys, both were killed. The other boys in the car lived, thankfully. Its very quiet and subdued here at work.
If you're happy, you're not paying attention.

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny: 
Glad that you guys worked that out amongst yourselves.

Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)