Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
God Bless The Onion
#36
I just read that the other day - Slicked Back Hair Men is one of their best ones.
Quote:

Added Romanini, "He should be able to do whatever he wants with his hair when he gets older and not worry that people are going to assume he's the kind of guy who would plot his best friend's death and then seduce the widow to get his hands on the insurance money."

Quote:

Hollywood is facing similar protests from groups such as the National Association of Maniacal Laughers, the American Mustache-Twirlers Coalition, and the Alliance of Gentlemen with Scars and Eye Patches.

Reply
#37
I posted a thread on this a while ago but I still thought it was pretty good.

Local bar comes out gay
Reply
#38
Quote:

Originally Posted by RathBandu
View Post

The last bit here just killed me

Quote:

According to statistics released by the organization, five out of every six characters with slicked-back hair are cast as the primary antagonist. Of this group, 29 percent are depicted as greedy and manipulative Wall Street sharks, 22 percent as cold, emotionless murderers, 19 percent as evil coaches or mentors, 12 percent as corrupt mafiosi, 8 percent as undead creatures who feast on human blood, and the remaining 10 percent fall into the general category of jerks/pricks/John Travolta.

I might have been born yesterday sir, but I stayed up all night!
Reply
#39
My favorite headline is still "Urban neighborhood terrorized by ask murderer."

And don't get me started on Our Dumb Century....
Reply
#40
Best Headlines in Our Dumb Century:

"HOLY SHIT - MAN LANDS ON FUCKING MOON"

"JFK Killed by Mafia, Freemasons, LBJ..."
Reply
#41
Speaking of Our Dumb Century, my personal favorite headline is


WA-
Continued on page 2

oh and Sacco and Vanzetti executed due to extreme wopness
Reply
#42
Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality - http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ty_police_face
Reply
#43
Controversial Court Ruling Upholds Homosexual's Right To Prance Around Demanding Attention And Being A Drama Queen
Reply
#44
Gentlemen, to evil!
Reply
#45
I love some of those scrolling headlines.

"Earthquake wipes out Etchasketchistan"
Reply
#46
Snoop Dogg Reveals the KKK Supports Barack Obama
http://www.rightpundits.com/?p=1317

Really thought it was funny as hell!
Reply
#47
Quote:

Originally Posted by Smeagol
View Post
As much as I love the Onion, a lot of the articles themselves don't live up to the brilliant headlines. This particular one, though, is fucking brilliant the whole way through. I urge everyone to read it. I don't want to spoil anything, though.

It's quite good!
Reply
#48
Quote:

Originally Posted by Schwartz
View Post

Awesome. "Together we can change America in unspeakable ways"
Reply
#49
Regarding the All-Star Game: "Game will determine if American League representative will win World Series at home or on the road."
Reply
#50
NASCAR Cancels Remainder of Season following David Foster Wallace's Death

Congress Lowers Drinking Age to 17 just for Jenny's Party

Quote:

According to Schumer, the bill contains clear wording that will keep the party from getting "out of hand." Section 211 of the legislation, titled "Regulations," states that "(a) those who imbibe an excess of alcohol will be required by law to stay overnight, so as not to drive, and to offer assistance in collecting the empty beer cans and mopping the kitchen floor the next morning, (b) Jenny's parents' bedroom is strictly off-limits, and entrance therein will result in up to 30 years in federal prison, and © the carrying out of activities deemed 'stupid' is prohibited, viz. climbing up onto the roof, falling off the roof, etc." There is also a proviso that prevents Trish from getting wasted on rum again and trying to make out with Andy.

The House has earmarked $54 million in case someone breaks Jenny's mother's vase and it needs to be replaced by the next morning.

Although the bill was passed by a wide margin in both the House and Senate, it has received criticism from some members of Congress, who call the law "favoritist" and "totally unfair." Those in opposition claim that it is too dangerous to allow minors to consume alcohol in an unsupervised setting; that they were not allowed to drink until they turned 21 and the same should hold true for everyone else; and that the only reason the bill passed is because Jenny is friends with Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT).

More awesomeocity at the link.
Reply
#51
"Who said guzzling urine can't be romantic? Oh right, everyone."

Silly Little Show-Biz Book Club #13: You'll Never Suck Cock In This Town Again
Reply
#52
Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet
Reply
#53
I got quite a kick out of this.
Reply
#54
Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Olson
View Post
I got quite a kick out of this.

I saw that in printed form and tried to find that on the site with no luck. Where the hell was that located?
Reply
#55
Quote:

Originally Posted by EdHocken
View Post
I saw that in printed form and tried to find that on the site with no luck. Where the hell was that located?

I just found it on the main page, about half way down.
Reply
#56
Well there ya go. That headline pretty much sums up the past eight years.
Reply
#57
Charles Barkley finally gets that blowjob:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ally_gets_that

"Damn, man, I'm telling you, that was one seriously high-quality blow job," added Barkley, leaning forward in his seat to yawn and crack his neck. "Drinking or not drinking, there's no mystery why I was in such a hurry to get that taken care of when they pulled me over last month. Now, if there's no questions, I'm going to go get me some eggs. I could eat a ton of scrambled eggs right now."

"I'm just glad I had the chance to set the record straight," Barkley said. "I wish there was a way for people to know how truly sorry I am that this all happened, and how very, very happy I am that I finally got that blow job. Which, I'm serious, was goddamned amazing."
Reply
#58
School shooter had troubled past, history of school shootings.
Reply
#59
This is a few months old, but fucking awesome.
Reply
#60
The post-election series of lame-duck Bush stories deserves a page of its own:


Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

Crocodile Bites off Bush's Arm
Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone
Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks
Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall
Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush
Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain

and finally:
Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep
Reply
#61
This one just about killed me today: http://www.theonion.com/content/news...urce=a-section
Reply
#62
I love this one, because a couple of the black women at work have said exactly the same thing.
Reply
#63
http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...tupid_piece_of
Reply
#64
Quote:

Originally Posted by Greg David
View Post
I love this one, because a couple of the black women at work have said exactly the same thing.

Funny stuff. I love the closing statement.
Reply
#65
Brilliant.
Reply
#66
I know it makes me a horrible person, but I couldn't stop laughing while reading this one.
Reply
#67
I must be even more horribler then
Reply
#68
Just fantastic
Reply
#69
The Obama depressed after Battlestar ending was amazing.
Reply
#70
Quote:

Originally Posted by Schwartz
View Post

This is one of their best in a long time, IMO.
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)