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Things that make you laugh catch-all.
(12-27-2018, 10:24 AM)ryoken Wrote:
  • “SQUIRTED MIXTURE OF BLEACH AND WATER INTO RECTUM WANTING TO PREVENT AIDS”

This is what abstinence only sex-ed gets you.
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Costume test for David Lynch's Return of the Jedi


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https://reddit.app.link/CEyF08V19S
...don't do it
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Twitter branding sure is something:

   
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Any TC users in Philly looking for a sex dungeon?

The pictures at the link are very likely NSFW, just so we're clear.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/kat...nnsylvania

Quote:Yes, it’s a fucking sex house. The 5-bedroom, 2.5-bath home just went on the market, and yes, the furniture — sex swing and all — is included in the $750,000 listing price.

“Total suburban beautiful home,” the listing's realtor Melissa Leonard told BuzzFeed News. “But the twist is it has this sex oasis in the basement.”

According to Leonard, the owner lived there with his family for years, until his wife died and he moved with his family to Philadelphia. In the meantime, he set up the house as an Airbnb to rent out over the last few months.

The Airbnb listing is titled “Maison XS - Just Be You” and has photos of the “underground adult room” with moody lighting. The Airbnb rents for $750 per night (yes, there is also a $250 cleaning fee, which seems exceedingly reasonable).

Maple Glen, where the home is located, is a sleepy suburb of Philadelphia with good schools and fewer than 10,000 residents. The sex house is located on a private street with just two other neighbors. Leonard is not sure what the neighbors think of the sex house, or if they know at all.

The home listing went viral on social media within hours of showing up on real estate site Redfin. Leonard is delighted by the attention and hoping for a buyer who sees a unique opportunity. "The big question I get from other realtors is, 'How did you keep a straight face?'" she said.
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Hey don't knock sex swings. If you happen to find a girl's sex swing and porn stash on the first date, you've just scored a major coup most likely. That's how it went down with my current girlfriend. She'd murder me if she knew I was telling this story but....you know how first dates go. We went to a movie. Got something to eat. Went back to her place to bullshit for a few more hours. You kinda sit there slightly awkward and make the usual small talk. "You wanna play dominos?" she asks. "Ok.." She goes to get the dominos out of her bedroom closet (I can see into the bedroom and mostly the closet). As she's rummaging around in the top of the closet looking for them she knocks a bunch of shit out. She realizes what's fallen out and locks eyes with me, face turning fifty shades of red. "The porn DVDs I recognize....but is that other thing a sex swing?" I ask. "Yes" she says "Yes it is.."

"........"

"..........."

Finally she breaks the silence with "I can't find the dominoes and you've already seen the damn thing. You wanna stop pretending like we're in church and fuck like animals?"

"Uh, yes....yes I do. I'll go get some rubbers. Be right back.."

"Fuck that. That'll take too long. Besides....my tubes are tied."

Game on.

Best first date I've ever had.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that was my one experience with a sex swing. And while I've never seen one in action, they're terrific ice breakers..
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Dear Penthouse Forums,

...
If you're happy, you're not paying attention.

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny: 
Glad that you guys worked that out amongst yourselves.

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...and if we're ever in Brooklyn and you meet her, I'll deny everything if you mention this!

"Baby, honestly....I told them about the OTHER girl with the sex swing!"
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(02-09-2019, 07:52 AM)fraid uh noman Wrote: Hey don't knock sex swings. If you happen to find a girl's sex swing and porn stash on the first date, you've just scored a major coup most likely. That's how it went down with my current girlfriend. She'd murder me if she knew I was telling this story but....you know how first dates go. We went to a movie. Got something to eat. Went back to her place to bullshit for a few more hours. You kinda sit there slightly awkward and make the usual small talk. "You wanna play dominos?" she asks. "Ok.." She goes to get the dominos out of her bedroom closet (I can see into the bedroom and mostly the closet). As she's rummaging around in the top of the closet looking for them she knocks a bunch of shit out. She realizes what's fallen out and locks eyes with me, face turning fifty shades of red. "The porn DVDs I recognize....but is that other thing a sex swing?" I ask. "Yes" she says "Yes it is.."

"........"

"..........."

Finally she breaks the silence with "I can't find the dominoes and you've already seen the damn thing. You wanna stop pretending like we're in church and fuck like animals?"

"Uh, yes....yes I do. I'll go get some rubbers. Be right back.."

"Fuck that. That'll take too long. Besides....my tubes are tied."

Game on.

Best first date I've ever had.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that was my one experience with a sex swing. And while I've never seen one in action, they're terrific ice breakers..



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[Image: F04wYPu.gif]
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A guy I know has identical twin sons named Amal and Juan. They're six. He showed me a picture of his son in his wallet. "This is Juan."

Do you have a picture of your other son, I asked?

"Naw. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.."
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https://www.famousfingers.ca/
"Dictatorships foster oppression, dictatorships foster servitude, dictatorships foster cruelty; more abominable is the fact that they foster idiocy."

Xbox Live Gamer Tag: Strider Ryoken / PSN: Kenryo81 /Steam: Ryoken81
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Good to know, Shane.  Thanks.

https://twitter.com/shanedawson/status/1...6332489728

Quote:i didnt fuck my cat. i didnt cum on my cat. i didnt put my dick anywhere near my cat. Ive never done anything weird with my cats. I promised myself i wasnt going to make apology videos after last years thing so im just trying to be as short and honest with this as possible. (1/?)
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I saw this today while at Walmart buying Bumblebee.
   

Is this not the worst, ugliest, most amateurishly photoshopped DTV cover EVER?
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Are those... bullet towers in the back?
If you're happy, you're not paying attention.

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny: 
Glad that you guys worked that out amongst yourselves.

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I don't know what's supposed to be going on in that cover. Bullets that are supposed to look like buildings or something?

But the real WTF element is Matthew Modine looking like he's cosplaying Grindenwald. Nothing on that cover works. Not one thing. Unless you MUST see every movie Sly has ever done (and this is probably one of those Bruce Willis specials where he's in it for about 4 minutes), who, in the hell, would look at that cover and think "fuck yeah! That looks like a badass movie!"

I guarantee you....99% of people who redbox or buy that thing is a Trump supporter..
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https://mobile.twitter.com/mikedebonis/s...0407650304

   
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Broadcast 1984 - 1988. I miss satire.



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[Image: o1ntx5jdcsw21.jpg]

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We need a "Things that make you wish the inevitable E.L.E. would hurry up already" thread.

Trumpocalypse probably covers that mostly though..
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We live in interesting times:

https://www.mediaite.com/online/new-fron...g-of-piss/

Quote:The tweet above is, from all appearances, the social media person for popular coconut water company Vita Coco wielding a freshly drawn jug of piss.

Here’s how we got here: Twitter user Tony Posnanski responded to a Vita Coco tweet calling their product “fucking disgusting.”

When Vita Coco’s social media team attempted some outreach, Posnanski replied he would “rather drink your social media persons piss than coconut water.”

Resulting in the piss tweet, which is now Vita Coco’s profile picture on Twitter:

"Address?"

Posnanski was satisfied by the effort.

I wasn’t expecting her to really piss in a jug so bravo. And I would still drink her piss over disgusting coconut water, the Miracle Whip of beverages.
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45 is probably spanking it to that story. While screaming at Ivanka to watch..
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She could probably just call the manager for a fast food-related gripe, instead of making demands on social media.

Still, Twitter's had some funny responses:

   
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To be perfectly frank, if you willingly eat at Jack-in-the-Box you've pretty much foregone your right to lodge a complaint.
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There is a commercial on SiriusXM for LasikPlus and the woman doing the VO is talking about their $250 special and repeatedly pronounces it as "two hunnert fifty dollars". It makes me giggle every time I hear it.
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Y'all get this, right?


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I was in a horror-comedy called BLACK HOLLER. It's now on Prime Video. Check it out!
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South Dakota taxpayers paid $450,000 for this new anti-meth PSA campaign:

https://www.argusleader.com/story/news/p...227949002/

Quote:Gov. Kristi Noem has a message for South Dakota: "Meth. We're On It."

Noem launched her new anti-meth campaign on Monday to bring awareness to the meth epidemic in South Dakota that will include a new TV ad, billboards, posters and website. The campaign's motto features the phrase, "Meth. We're on it," over an outline of South Dakota, and the ad and posters feature people of differing in ages and races saying, "I'm on meth."

South Dakota's meth crisis is "growing at an alarming rate" and impacts every community in the state, Noem said in the campaign's public service announcement. 

"This is our problem and together, we need to get on it," Noem said.

Broadhead Co., a marketing and ad agency in Minneapolis, created the "Meth. We're On It." campaign. The state's Department of Social Services has paid the agency just short of $449,000 so far this year, according to the state's finances website, open.sd.gov. The state's contract with Broadhead, effective until May 31, 2020, states that the contract shouldn't exceed $1.4 million.

   
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Ahahahaha!

What else are they tackling? How about...

"Sex trafficking. We're all up in that!"

"Gun violence. We're killing it!"

"Wasting taxpayer dollars. We done did it!"

I have other ideas.
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We don't need impeachment to unite us. Or a gigantic psychic squid.

All we really need: a loud, unmistakable fart.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
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Source: Know Your Meme
"Looking at the Trump administration, I'm starting to think I was too hard on the characters in Prometheus."  --  MrBananaGrabber
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Thing that makes me laugh and/or mildly disturbs me: the fact that, as far as I can tell, there is pretty much no type of animal whose Wikipedia page doesn't include at least one picture of them getting it on.
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