Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Parenting (Otherwise Known as the "Jesus Give Me Strength" Thread)
#36
I don't have kids myself but when I had my older nephew living with me...I just didn't back down. No amount of whining got him what he wanted. Eventually he figured out that acting up or bugging the hell out of me would gain him any ground with me. If you give in, then they figure REAL QUICK what works and will go back to that at the drop of a hat. This is probably not any kind of advice for a real parent but it worked well enough for me at the time..
Reply
#37
Pretty much in line with what martianman and I wrote above: be firm. Be consistent.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#38
I also was "starting" with an older child. And I DID take into account that I was not his mom so, he might be uncomfortable or just scared...so I wasn't ruthless. I was just like "this is where you are now and this is how it's gonna be. I'm a fun person. We can do fun things. But.." I mean...looking back, I can't believe I survived all that. I guess it's because I'm readjusted back to my old lifestyle. Those were a crazy few years..
Reply
#39
Yeah, holy shit my niece came and lived with us when she graduated HS. She was 18, had lived the last year basically by herself because her dad had moved in with a new girlfriend (her mom left when my niece was 14, so that relationship isn't so great), so when she got to us, she thought it was going to be a party all the time. She is my sister-in-law's daughter, so I would let my wife handle most of the discipline, but man it was rough. She's 25 now and a lot better, but man she had a lot of growing up to do, and she did a lot of it living with us. Between her and my son, I used to hide in my bedroom a lot. Lol.
Reply
#40
You'll definitely get back to your life and hobbies but it wont be anytime soon. I used to play tennis a few nights a week. Several factors contributed to me no longer doing so but one of the biggest was the things the kids are involved in happening at the times I would be playing tennis. Ten years later I am thinking of returning to playing tennis again this fall or spring.

But as everyone else has said kids can be very draining so rest instead of interests is absolutely normal. It will pass but it wont necessarily pass quickly.
Survival is the name of the game, William. The scruffiest hippie is my messenger...do not expect radiant messengers of light. Expect the flawed, the maimed in body and spirit. It's all a film run backward...the Atom Bomb through the Manhattan Project to the formula...E=MC2.
Reply
#41
(08-20-2018, 10:50 AM)MichaelM Wrote: Pretty much in line with what martianman and I wrote above: be firm. Be consistent.

And also discipline your kids only as far as you're willing to carry out the discipline.  I see too many parents go big and then not be able to follow through on the punishment because it becomes a pain in the ass which teaches your kid they can get away with it.
Reply
#42
(08-20-2018, 08:04 PM)avoideverything Wrote:
(08-20-2018, 10:50 AM)MichaelM Wrote: Pretty much in line with what martianman and I wrote above: be firm. Be consistent.

And also discipline your kids only as far as you're willing to carry out the discipline.  I see too many parents go big and then not be able to follow through on the punishment because it becomes a pain in the ass which teaches your kid they can get away with it.

Oh, yeah: don't make empty threats.

Better yet: don't make threats at all.  Simply state your expectations or what the rule is. Let the kid figure out through experience that when you say "Do this" or "Don't do that," should they choose to ignore that there will be a consequence. 

And here's a trick I used as a parent, when the kids were at least 3 or 4 years old: I'd issue a command/request. If compliance did not follow within a reasonable amount of time, I'd start counting. Maybe when first doing this I'd explain I'm going to count to three and if I reach three, SHIT GETS REAL.

Spoiler alert: most of the time I had no fucking idea what I'd do if I hit three. 

The good news: by the time I started doing this, I'd established credibility with the kids that I would do something if I reached three. Something they wouldn't like. Their own imagination ended up being far more powerful than any specific threat I could come up with on the spot.

Bragging: after the first couple of times, at most, I never got to three. They scrambled to start getting done whatever I had asked by the time I said "Two."
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#43
e.g., know your kids and let them do the rest. For my oldest, I force him to be alone with his thoughts which are much worse than anything I could ever do. For the next, a short sharp shock will do (When he stole $5 from his grandmother, I made him return it to her and then tore up the $5 pizza lunch coupon I was about to spend on him in front of his face and told hime'd have to eat a tuna salad sandwich for lunch.). My youngest is clingy so making them take time out with the door closed is a fate worse than death.

Also, never ask - tell. I find that if you ask your child to do something, they'll chose the most irritating option.
Reply
#44
Let me take a minute to be really clear about something:

I in no way advocate, support, or encourage hitting your kids. In any capacity.

I don't support cruelty - emotional, verbal, or physical. Consequences should be, ideally, organic to the transgression.

For example: Your driving your kid to band practice. They denigrate your driving (beyond any jokey norms established in the relationship), get mean and personal about what's for dinner, or get snide and nasty with you about you.

You simply turn the car around and go home, explaining, briefly, that it's not acceptable for them to talk to you like that and as long as they feel free to treat you with disrespect, you'll not be doing favors for them - like driving them to practice.

Calm. Consistent. Done with a long term purpose in mind. You don't engage in nasty sarcasm back. You don't mock them. It's super, super fucking tempting to do that (and I'm speaking from experience in failing to hold up this ideal) but it goes back to winnable nuclear war again. Scoring temporary points in a verbal fight with your kid gets you nowhere in the long run.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#45
There were, a very long time ago in the late toddler years, spankings. We’re talking veritable taps on the butt, nothing shocking. But they were largely administered by the wife, who grew up a Navy Brat and Does. Not. Fuck. Around. But obviously, they’re far too old for that now and neither of us would be willing to hit them with any level of really force.

Now I occasionally yell. And there is MM’s counting method. My kids are dicks, so when I inevitably get to three and they’re haven’t motivated, I take all their shit away. No more phone, WiFi, video games, etc until you do what’s expectedly you. Highly effective.
If you're happy, you're not paying attention.

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny: 
Glad that you guys worked that out amongst yourselves.

Reply
#46
I had my ass beat like crazy when I was a kid. A couple times I'm sure might've been excessive. My dad beat the shit outta me. I mean, I THINK I turned out alright but I certainly couldn't ever take it as far as he did..
Reply
#47
(08-21-2018, 08:58 AM)Neil Spurn Wrote: My kids are dicks

My literal LOL of the day. Only another parent can read this and understand this kind of statement comes from a place of love.

ETA: Also, in interest of full disclosure, when my kids were little there were occasional spankings - over diapers, over clothes, never repeated hits, never done when angry. Basically what Neil describes. I stopped by the time they reached first or second grade, and really wish I'd never done it at all.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#48
My mom would spank me with a fly swatter until one time I climbed a tree and wouldn't come down until she promised not to use it anymore. And she didn't. Lol.
Reply
#49
I’m with Fraid, my Irish catholic, Queens-raised mother beat the living crap out of me. I will ruefully admit I likely deserved it maybe 70% if the time.

My kids have gotten off easy. I’m not at all regretful of the limited, lightweight spankings they received, given my history.

(08-21-2018, 09:03 AM)MichaelM Wrote:
(08-21-2018, 08:58 AM)Neil Spurn Wrote: My kids are dicks

My literal LOL of the day. Only another parent can read this and understand this kind of statement comes from a place of love.

MM gets it, it’s total love!  I mostly adore my kids, I just don’t necessarily like them all the time. I am often extremely proud of their intelligence and wit, I just really don’t like when the latter is directed towards me. In my daughter’s case, the “wit” (ie, sarcasm) is often coupled with a well placed eye roll. The little smartass.
If you're happy, you're not paying attention.

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny: 
Glad that you guys worked that out amongst yourselves.

Reply
#50
Anyone have experience with young children (in this case, 6) having horrible behavior going to/at school?

I'm not able to be there for mornings, but my wife says it's a constant nightmare of a process. My son will say horrible things to her (he hates her, he'll kill her) and has even spit at her before, which shocks me. It's always a constant fight and they usually end up parting ways being angry at each other.

This follows him into school, where he is constantly getting in trouble for not listening or doing what he's told and results in us constantly receiving communication from teachers (all independent of one another, making it all the worse). He went to summer school and actually got kicked out -- a 6-year old!! -- the last week because he wouldn't listen and kept back-talking*, which is beyond embarrassing and weighing on us every time we get another bad report.

We actually spent over 2 hours talking about him this weekend while the kids were out of the house, trying to determine things we may be doing incorrectly or overlooking that may be contributing to his bad behavior. (Note: As expected, but he's far less disrespectful to me than he is his mom, or nana, who tend to spoil/baby him more, which I've time-and-again warned them about.) Some things we came up with were his mom/nana dialing back spoiling him needlessly, stop letting him watch YouTube (I think it's where he's getting some of this bad language, even if it's the Restricted version), and reduce screen time overall, as well as make an effort to spend more 1-on-1 time with him.

I've tried to have numerous constructive conversations with him, and provide him pep talks in the morning before school (because he hates going), to let him know I believe in him and know he can do better, but he always doubts himself and says he doesn't know how. My wife actually set up an appointment for her & him with a shrink (couldn't get sooner than a month from now) because we're stuck, and I have a strong suspicion it has to do directly with his relationship with his mom (we're also going to meet with school faculty to let them know what we're dealing with and possibly gain some insight). He has a 3-year old brother who appears to be on the spectrum and goes to a special needs school, which results in him getting extra special attention because of his needs. Before that, he was at home with just the 2 of them, so they had a really special relationship, and I wonder how much of this may be due to some sort of jealousy/resentment. I'm just not sure why it'd be manifesting itself at school, and how to dial it back.

Help?

*Michael, I bought that book you recommended but haven't read it yet -- it says to try and read it in one sitting, which has discouraged me, but I need to suck it up this week and make time.
Reply
#51
(09-17-2018, 10:39 AM)shaunh Wrote: My wife actually set up an appointment for her & him with a shrink (couldn't get sooner than a month from now) because we're stuck, and I have a strong suspicion it has to do directly with his relationship with his mom (we're also going to meet with school faculty to let them know what we're dealing with and possibly gain some insight). 

When I read that your son was talking about killing people, this was my first reaction: time to get some informed professionals involved. Not that a 6 year old really knows what this means but he knows enough to say it and that it has an impact - and that it's not something commonly said by 6 year olds (I don't think - I could be mistaken). 

Whatever you do, it's important to remember that a 6 year old simply doesn't understand, process, and experience emotions like an adult. Whichever professional(s) you choose to help, make sure they demonstrate an understanding that kids aren't simply tiny adults. 

If you haven't already, it might be worth having your son's doctor also do a full checkup/exam, with you explaining to the physician the circumstances that prompted the appointment (not fun, I know) and saying you want to make sure you've ruled out any purely physical or biological causes.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Breathe deep. Hang on to your wife and let her do the same. 

Keep us posted and let us know what happens.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#52
Appreciate the feedback, Mike.

To be fair to my son, he is very capable of being a sweet, loving little boy, and is typically prone to tantrums and shitty behavior like most 6-year olds. I don't think his behavior is worrisome beyond figuring out what he's dealing with and learning how to manage. But I'm also willing to admit I could be wrong and am open to any ideas we may be presented with.

When he talks about killing, I think it's more of an outburst than anything "serious" to worry about. He's always been attracted to the darker side of things, obsessing over things like Halloween and Mortal Kombat (which was a big oversight on my part, and I've since decided to cut that shit back entirely until he's older and shows signs of being able to handle it).
Reply
#53
Don't ever underestimate what kids that young can/do understand about some of the things that they're allowed to watch or play. They understand a whole lot more than you may realize. But they haven't got an adult filter to keep them from spitting out things they've seen and heard..
Reply
#54
don't overestimate them either

the point is that it's not one approach that's going to be the all-purpose solution

depending on the kid, it's just seems like raising a kid is meant to keep parents on their toes

I definitely remember simply repeating things I watched without actually knowing what I was saying
Reply
#55
(09-17-2018, 11:05 AM)shaunh Wrote: To be fair to my son, he is very capable of being a sweet, loving little boy, and is typically prone to tantrums and shitty behavior like most 6-year olds. I don't think his behavior is worrisome beyond figuring out what he's dealing with and learning how to manage. But I'm also willing to admit I could be wrong and am open to any ideas we may be presented with.

When he talks about killing, I think it's more of an outburst than anything "serious" to worry about. He's always been attracted to the darker side of things, obsessing over things like Halloween and Mortal Kombat (which was a big oversight on my part, and I've since decided to cut that shit back entirely until he's older and shows signs of being able to handle it).

My wholly non-professional, worthless opinion from this very limited perspective is that what's required are some come-to-jesus discussions between you and your wife about consistency of discipline and approach, as well as getting an objective, informed opinion from one or more professionals who are experienced in dealing with disruptive, upsetting behavior from kids.

You may very be right and the solution may be something fairly straightforward. The combination of threats, hurtful proclamations, and spitting, though, warrant getting the second/additional opinions. IMNSHO.

(Let me also say I raised two daughters and, as a generalized statement, it's worlds apart in terms of parenting experiences. I've watched friends raising multiple boys and I have NO idea how they handled it. That level of energy and entropy would kill me in less than a day.)
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#56
It's a hard balance to understand a kid who can be so smart and sharp but not yet have the grasp on his emotions in order to be able to explain to him how to manage them.

It's infinitely harder when you can't relate because you, yourself, were a vastly different type of kid.
Reply
#57
MM’s post is a good one.

My son is now 8, at 5 and 6, he was much more of a handful at school. Hated it, hated getting up, hated being there. Had a terrible attitude. Reason and logic don’t work on a 6 year old. Taking stuff away did. He went down to zero screen time, which lasted for quite a while (months) until his attitude improved.

Also, I realize that I may be a lone supporter of what my wife and I consider reasonable corporal punishment, which is thoroughly unpopular nowadays, but if our son had spit at my wife, told her he hated her or wanted to kill her, it would’ve elicited a swift smack
If you're happy, you're not paying attention.

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny: 
Glad that you guys worked that out amongst yourselves.

Reply
#58
The spitting is more common than you might realize...but yeah, that's one of those things that I'd have to fight the urge to beat their ass for..
Reply
#59
(09-17-2018, 12:31 PM)Neil Spurn Wrote: Also, I realize that I may be a lone supporter of what my wife and I consider reasonable corporal punishment, which is thoroughly unpopular nowadays, but if our son had spit at my wife, told her he hated her or wanted to kill her, it would’ve elicited a swift smack

We did this when the girls were little (under age 7) and I don't think it inflicted lasting emotional damage...but at the same time, I wish I'd never done it. It can be an effective attention-grabber or exclamation point but it's a dead end with regards to long term change or strategies.

I challenged myself to find consequences suggested by the situation and my kid's interest (like Neil's use of screens) and those were far more effective in real change than a light smack.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#60
I'm sorry I have nothing to add beyond I now think my kids may well be perfect.
Reply
#61
Nah, my experience in being involved with all the kids I've seen raised around me is you just got lucky.
Reply
#62
I'm lucky in the respect that my 3-year old directs his rotten behavior only toward his mom and me. He's gotten past the phase where his thing was actually punching me in the face, but he's still incredibly obstinate and weirdly particular about things not being done in the correct order-- he'll fly off the handle over tiny things and it takes effort and time to get him under control. 

But-- like this morning, for instance-- we'll go round and round with him over some stupid shit, then take him into pre-K, and all his teachers say what a sweet, helpful and well-behaved boy he is.

So he's got this Eddie Haskell routine down pat. Which is fine with me-- I can take him being a private nuisance as long as he's not a public menace.
Our sanitariums are full of men who think they're Napoleon... Or God.
Reply
#63
I haven't peed without a child staring at me in over a year.
"I'd rather have hope...than nothing at all."
-Illyana Rasputin, X-Men: Omega #1

"But the public, knowing what it wanted, spinning happily, let the comic books survive."
-Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Twitter: @BartLBishop
Reply
#64
When you can, it becomes your favorite time of the day.
Reply
#65
*thanks every star in heaven and every potential deity he no longer has little kids*
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Reply
#66
(09-17-2018, 03:55 PM)bartleby_scriven Wrote: I haven't peed without a child staring at me in over a year.

Are they wondering why Daddy keeps going in their laundry basket?
Reply
#67
When you gotta go.
"I'd rather have hope...than nothing at all."
-Illyana Rasputin, X-Men: Omega #1

"But the public, knowing what it wanted, spinning happily, let the comic books survive."
-Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Twitter: @BartLBishop
Reply
#68
I just imagine Bart's life is the opening scene to "Up in Smoke."
Reply
#69
It’s like that joke Tarantino tells in Desperado.
"I'd rather have hope...than nothing at all."
-Illyana Rasputin, X-Men: Omega #1

"But the public, knowing what it wanted, spinning happily, let the comic books survive."
-Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Twitter: @BartLBishop
Reply
#70
1/4 of the way into this book and there's already some eye-opening stuff, Michael. Thanks for recommending!
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)