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I'm Sorry: An Apology Thread
I'm not looking for validation, or for people to say "you're a good guy - you did nothing wrong - you just get a little hot under the collar." 

But - and I really don't know why it took me this long - I've realized that I've become, in the eyes of many, the same kind of woker than thou bully that made so much of my time here in the past miserable. 

In trying to take an aggressive position to make a point, I routinely went too far and made things too personal. 

In trying to take the most aggressive or extreme example of a position, I was self-righteous, superior, and smug. 

I let my own personal ideas of what was or wasn't "acceptable" posting or some idea of a double standard color my interactions with people. I got it into my head that I was being treated unfairly, and let that dictate my behavior. 

My opinions about people's comments in one thread often bled into my reaction to their comments in other threads. 

I used the fact that many of us have known each other for long as an excuse and a cover to be mean. "Oh, he knows what I mean. Oh, he can take it." 

I fell into hypocritical, routine patterns of behavior, of which this is surely one, where the high of throwing off some sarcastic or nasty comment was immediately countered by self-distaste and anxiety that there was someone out there that didn't like me. 

I used my intelligence and my "skills" in forming an argument as a weapon, as a cudgel, without stopping to appreciate that such things had once been used against me. 

Although I carried the memories of long departed posters who used their intelligence that way, I didn't let that stop me from doing the same.

And yet, rather than taking a big step back and look at what I was doing wrong, I put the blame on everyone but myself. 

In short, I became a bully, and a repugnant one at that. I'm disgusted at the way I've been acting. Not just days, but for weeks, months even. Years. 

And for that - for all of that and more, I am deeply, truly sorry. Nothing I can say can repair the damage that I've done to the relationships, friendships, and people around here, and the trust that's been destroyed over time won't ever be restored. I get that, and that I'll always bee seen as that bully in the eyes of others. 

But I am sorry. 

And I'm particularly sorry to those who I've singled out or who have felt singled out recently - in particular Overlord, Brad, Reasor, simbob, Fat Elvis, and Ambler (if he's still around). We don't all have to get along, but I at least could have treated you with a mutual respect, and I didn't. Instead, I was either frustrated, annoyed, or offended by something you said or did that I let it affect that mutual respect - usually, as noted, cloaked in the guise of "we've been here forever." 

When I started posting again as boone, I told myself that if there ever came a time where I felt like I was being a bully - if I was treating others the same way I was treated - that I'd take a step back and evaluate and decide how I wanted to continue contributing to this community.

I told myself I was going to do better when I started posting again after my surgery - because I was so moved by the way you guys were there for me. I'll never forget that. 

But what I've realized this week - again, far too late - is that even though I didn't think I was behaving that way, others perceived how I was acting as the actions of a bully, as bullying, as repugnant. And that's something I never wanted to be seen as. Never wanted to be. 

This isn't, as noted, an "I'm leaving" thread. I'm honestly not sure where I go from here, but I am going to take that pause, and evaluate how I want to continue contributing here. How I want to begin to restore the relationships. Particularly because I don't want this to be just another "rinse, apologize, repeat" situation, where I feel guilty until somebody gets under my skin and the cycle begins anew ("Nothing ever ends, Adrian"). I don't know where I go from here, but that's something I have to figure out by myself. 

I just wanted to clear the air about the way I've been acting, because there's really no excuse for it. 

And although these are just words, and I understand that my actions going forward are what matter - 

I'm truly, deeply sorry.
home taping is killing music
While I've not been in the middle of any of this, and don't presume to speak for anyone who has been, I hope you stick around.

I support and encourage you to continue to work on yourself (as we all should be doing). You can reach me here and through other channels, so shoot me a message if there's anything you'd like to dialogue about off the boards.

I also want to express appreciation for Bradito's apology post earlier this week. Thought that was a genuine, good gesture.
"Nooj's true feelings on any given subject are unknown and unknowable. He is the butterfly flapping its wings in Peking. He is chaos and destruction and you shall never see his true form." - Merriweather

My Steam ID: yizashigreyspear
Boone sent me a very kind and sincere PM and I apologized to him for airing my grievances with him in that fashion. I certainly don’t want to see him stop posting either. As I mentioned in that conversation with him, there’s not many of us left anymore, and it would behoove us all to work out whatever differences we have with each other. I think it speaks volumes about his character that he would reach out to me in private hours after I said a lot of unkind things about him and criticized him so directly.
I have very little interest in message board beefs and whatnot, so I don't really know what caused all this. But you are like the conscience of these boards. You've got to stick around, dude.

PS you'll always be Rath to me
I'm still going to take boone's advice and get fucked in every thread.

It's just good advice.
Glad to see that this conversation has taken a turn for the better. I also hope you stick around once you've gotten your head sorted out a bit; I'd miss the better parts of our verbal sparring matches Smile
I hope you return rejuvenated, Boone. And soon.
If we can dream it, then we can do it.
Boone, we've had plenty of heated moments and differences in the past. I didn't enjoy them for you or I. But at the end of the day, whether it's in the drafts or talking something over, you're as smart as they come, and I always look forward to your perspective. if there's anything I know from you, some people take getting used to. I don't say that as an insult, I say it from my own personal experience and relationships with others who didn't get my deal right away.

Granted, I haven't gotten involved in anything recently that's been of note - I had some serious problems with Elvis, and I hadn't paid attention to some of the other threads - but while your clarity is respected, I can definitely call you a friend on here.

And I feel terrible that I never responded to that PM months ago.
"PREDATOR 2 feels like it was penned by convicts as part of a correctional facility's creative writing program, and that's what I love about it." - Moltisanti

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