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STRUZAN FOR A BRUISIN' -- Classic Posters and Real Life Logic
And now, a new concept piece in which we look at a classic one-sheet film poster and attempt to dramatically interpret it into real world logic for it to actually be able to happen. We begin...


Perhaps my single favorite film poster of all time (it was the first one I ever bought), the BTTF one-sheet is packed with mystery.

The classic post-time jump fire trails only appear on the ground (or in the sky in sequels) after the DeLorean departs a specific time -- that is, they don't appear when the DeLorean arrives anywhere/when but only when it travels off to another time.  So, for this image to happen, Marty must have time jumped to some unknown time, then come back immediately to the same spot at the same moment.  Otherwise the fire trails would have burned themselves out just as we watched them do at the Twin Pines Mall during the Einstein the Dog experiment. 

Also, since the fire trails appear behind the DeLorean as it travels, for this image, Marty would've had to time jump, disappear, reappear, then slow back down from 88 MPH, make a 180 degree turn, then return to the same spot again and park the DeLorean in the same spot in order to park right next to the fire trails that he just left behind. Also, despite the fact that he has time circuits inside the DeLorean that tell him his temporal future destination, his most recent destination and his current temporal location, he still decides to get out the car in order to check his watch.  Also, he does so while standing over the extreme heat source of those flaming fire trails, which I would hope he'd at least notice.  I mean, those flame trails could cause Marty to no longer be of much use to Jennifer up at the lake for their sexy sleeping bag Toyota truck make-out romps and they could likely burn his genitalia to the point of making any of the possible 2015 McFly children a probable impossibility.  "Great Scott," indeed.
this is heavy, eng


To have this scenario make a sense in reality, well, you got me.  I mean, were The Goonies walking along when the ground caved in and they ended up apparently in a subterranean cave?  If so, how did Brand (Josh Brolin) grab onto one of those stalactites on the way down?  Did the rest of the Goonies all march single file, straight down the same hole, and just happen to grab onto Brand in the particular order seen here?  Maybe they climbed down there one by one over him and each other, though for what purpose I couldn't fathom and I'd be shocked if anyone could.  (I'm assuming even Sloth would think that would be the dumbest idea he's ever heard.)

Also, what Giant Cavern of Maps are they hanging over, anyway?  In this scenario, did One Eyed Willie actually bury his treasure under a giant damn "X?"  This isn't the Venice Public Library from INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, I hope.  I mean, CRUSADE takes place in 1938 and THE GOONIES in 1985, so unless that library has seen some hard times -- and was later shipped brick by brick to the American Pacific Northwest - it's pretty unlikely.

And how strong is Andy (Kerri Green) anyway?!  Can she legitimately hang onto Brand while supporting the weight of five of her friends?  Doubtful.  Is she a secret weightlifter?  Maybe she and Brand, the Exercise King of the Goondocks, have more going on than the movie led us to believe.  Lots of "late night workouts" perhaps?  Oh, Andy... You Goonie!

The real crime here of course is that there are no Fratellis on the poster.  No Anne Ramsey waiting down there with a meat grinder, no Davi or Joey Pants.  Nothin'.  For shame.

Still, as far as our beloved classic 1980s posters go, it's a nice image and one I still enjoy gazing upon.  In fact, I'd say it's good enough.  For you.  It's good enough.  For me.  It's good enough.  Good enough for me.  Ay-ya-ya-ya-ya-yaaaaaa.
I can't wait for the floating heads episode.
(05-22-2020, 03:23 PM)bailey Wrote: I can't wait for the floating heads episode.

Roiland and Harmon beat me to it.

For GOONIES, I'd interpret it as the floor slowly falling out from under Brandt through Chunk, who grabbed onto each other's legs one at a time. Mikey and the rest were somehow already in the chamber below, and are forming a human ladder to try to reach and get down at least one or two of them.



"It was a sad Christmas Eve at the remote research facility, Outpost 31... Nobody could find the Christmas lights that Doc and Norris wanted to string up in the mess hall.  And while Clark was trying to attach a few ridiculous pairs of antlers onto the huskies' heads to liven up his own holiday spirit, the lights went out unexpectedly and everyone filed outside into the cold as it seemed like there'd be no illumination at all this year... 'Step back,' Bennings said, and removing his face completely, he blasted forth a massive ray of white light from where his face once was that would make Lo Pan himself jealous.  All the men cheered.  This would be a holiday to remember!  Especially after good old Santa McCready showed up and flamethrowered Bennings' laser-faced ass not only into the next world but most likely beyond the next world and probably several other worlds after it.  They all relaxed and sat by the warm and peaceful fire.  "Merry Christmas to all," Palmer said as he thought about picking up a new Chess Wizard for RJ next year...  "And to all a good night."  

But let's talk reality.  In order for this poster to happen, well, whoever that is on there (and I love that we don't know) would basically have to be some sort of Chosen One Monster.  I mean, even The Thing itself wasn't able to fire optic, nasal and/or oral lasers like some sort of bastard cousin to Scott Summers.  And if it had, well, that would pretty much cook the goose (and the Bennings) of this planet, wouldn't it?  A shape-shifting, cell-copying monster from another world that can also emit facial death rays?  Yeah, we'd all be as bad off as Garry getting mouth-fisted to death by Wilford Brimley for sure, at that point.  Regardless, it's a glorious and iconic poster image that stands the test of time and an inspiration to film loving artists everywhere.   I'm surprised it hasn't been ripped off more often by lesser artists...  Those cheatin' bitches.
Oh gosh, I have been waiting for a thread like this for some time.

In my former place of employment, they had nicely framed posters for all three of the Star Wars Special Edition films, and over the years I found myself nit-picking them to the point of utter frustration.

First up, Star Wars:

[Image: 3-t6723879-2000.jpg]

— The logo is strechted out horizontally.
— That's Leia from The Empire Strikes Back.

Next up, The Empire Strikes Back:

[Image: Star+Wars+-+The+Empire+Strikes+Back+%281...dition.jpg]

— That's Vader and Palpatine from Return of the Jedi.
— Oh, there's Vader's special T.I.E. from Star Wars for no particular reason.

Finally, Return of the Jedi:

[Image: Star-Wars-Return-Of-The-Jedi-1983-Specia...truzan.jpg]

— That's likely Chewie from The Empire Strikes Back.
— That's probably Yoda from The Empire Strikes Back.
— That's definitely Luke and Vader from The Empire Strikes Back.
— Boba Fett. Really?

Anyways, these three posters have been like a burr under my saddle for over a decade.
I'm a drunkard.
Original Trilogy ruined.
Didn't mean for this to be so much a nit-picking thread, more of a conceptual comedic celebration of Struzan's work though the ridiculous examination of the minutiae of the work. I have always been a mega Struzan fan, and thought extrapolating a sense of reality out of an artist's still imagery could be an esoterically goofy but fun concept.
("It's a science experiment!" -- Dr. Emmett Brown, 1885)

Still, some interesting criticisms there Joel. Are there some Struzan pieces you enjoy more than the above?

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