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The B Action Movie Thread
#1
Since those snooty foreign films have their own threads, I figured it's high time there was one for action cheese. Er, I mean real guys' movies. Be it theatrical shlockfests or DTV trainwrecks.

A couple days ago I finally saw Wedding Crashers, but it was today that I saw what may be the funniest film of '05 - Transporter 2. The director also worked on an Asterix film, so he's no stranger to comedy. To swipe someone else's words, this film is beyond ridiculous. I don't even know where to start. From the horrible acting to the preposterous stunts, this thing is a laugh a minute. The only thing missing is a Leslie Nielsen cameo.
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#2
I'm no expert on DTV movies (leave that to Moltisanti) I can't remember the last DTV movie I saw, I think it was Sworn to Justice starring Cynthia Rothrock, it was pretty good, it actually had decent fight scenes for a US martial arts movie.
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#3
I've never seen Rothrock's stuff. Looks kind of bottom of the barrel from the DVD covers.

Since you see a lot of Asian martial arts, how did you think the choreography in the Transporter films compares? It's quite gimmicky in an almost Jackie Chan way (lots of odd props), but very entertaining.
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#4
Transporter 2 is tied with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as my biggest disappointment of the year; not that Hitchhiker's was that bad, but I expected a lot from it.

I was so disillusioned by Transporter 2 that I had to rewatch the first one to make sure I hadn't been on LSD when I'd seen it. Nope, I still like that film. It had real driving stunts and everything.

That bit with the bomb on the bottom of the car is one of the biggest What The Fuck moments I've seen in years. I mean, really. What The Fuck? At least the hose fight tried to be worth the ticket price.
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#5
Quote:

Originally Posted by Desslar

I've never seen Rothrock's stuff. Looks kind of bottom of the barrel from the DVD covers.

I agree with you for the most part but Sworn to Justice is one of her best films, no, fuck that, it's the only decent film she's made in the US compared to her HK films.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desslar

Since you see a lot of Asian martial arts, how did you think the choreography in the Transporter films compares? It's quite gimmicky in an almost Jackie Chan way (lots of odd props), but very entertaining.

I thought the fight scenes in T1 were pretty good, not a scratch on Kiss of the Dragon but good nonetheless. Alot of fans knock Yuen's fight scene's but I think he's easily as talented as YWP or Sammo.
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#6
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragon Ma

I agree with you for the most part but Sworn to Justice is one of her best films, no, fuck that, it's the only decent film she's made in the US compared to her HK films.

But... I remember loving her movies so much when I was 12 years old! Could it be that my memories deceive me?

Anyway, big up to Michael Dudikoff the ninjaniest ninja around.
I might have been born yesterday sir, but I stayed up all night!
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#7
I think B-action begins and ends with Hard Target, particularly with the wit -

"How does it feel to be hunted?"
"You tell me!"
"You should know better!"

Oh, snap!
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#8
Quote:

Originally Posted by Quarant

But... I remember loving her movies so much when I was 12 years old! Could it be that my memories deceive me?

I just remember watching her US films to laugh at the fight scenes, I have fond memories of China O'Brien and the sequel seeing out of shape stuntmen get the stuffing kicked out of them.
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#9
I think The Rock is an underrated guy. He should be the next Schwarzenegger imho, but likely he's going to end up a new Bruce Campbell: charisma out the ass, but no big mainstream success. And since he's not as "underground" as Bruce, he won't even have the same cult following.
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#10
The past few weeks I’ve been checking out a slew of films made by the PM Entertainment Group. They were a production company that spent the 90’s spitting out countless low budget flicks featuring various has-beens and never-beens such as C. Thomas Howell and Gary Daniels in various cookie cutter plots revolving around renegade cops, crime lords, and destined-to-be-killed-off sidekicks played by thespians like Sugar Ray Leonard. They have such imaginative titles as RIOT, THE SWEEPER, and RECOIL and what they lack in originality they more than make up for with outlandish stunts, cars flying through the air, and a limit of no more than 9 minutes in between scenes involving the mass use of automatic weapons.

If I had to put one of these films in the spotlight it would be LAST MAN STANDING starring Michael Wincott’s older and kick-happy brother Jeff. Wincott portrays a renegade cop who plays by his own rules, rarely goes by the book, and merrily fulfills every other movie-cop cliché with the exception of having an ex-wife and 2 kids that he hasn’t seen in years. He’s partnered with solid character actor Jonathan Banks who defies grizzled movie-cop convention by still living with his mother. I don’t want to spoil what becomes of Banks’ character but there is a scene where he happily discusses with Wincott his plans to retire soon and write a book about his years on the force. In other words he’s doomed.

Describing the story of LAST MAN STANDING would imply that there is a story to describe. I don’t know, there’s some crooked cops who are in cahoots with murderous bank robbers and Wincott does his best to kill everyone involved, justified or not. Oh yeah, and the main bad guy likes to call himself “The Swashbuckler” for some reason that I’ll probably go to my grave never understanding.

Aside from that I would only add that countless people are thrown through glass. Some guys are thrown through glass in places where you would not usually find glass. It’s a good thing this movie never became popular, for I’m sure many children would be cut up from head to toe while trying to emulate their favorite screen hero Jeff Wincott. This would eventually lead to Congressional hearings where Congressman Tom Davis (R-VA) would attack Hollywood for its glamorization of tossing folks through glass. Then Wincott would have to appear in public service announcements warning kids against throwing chums through glass and it would just be a whole to do.

So there you have it, LAST MAN STANDING is a good example of PM Entertainment’s ability to serve up a healthy does of two-fisted mayhem. I’d also like to say that I’m quite proud that my 5,000th post here pertains to a Jeff Wincott movie.
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#11
Quote:

Originally Posted by Junior

I think B-action begins and ends with Hard Target, particularly with the wit -

"How does it feel to be hunted?"
"You tell me!"
"You should know better!"

Oh, snap!

This film is by far one of the most entertaining ever made, especially if you have access to a few jibs of green. Watch out for Van Damme's stunt double on the bike and horse - its Billy Ray Cyrus!
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#12
NO CONTEST!
The best B action flicks are the Die Hard rip-offs. The best Die Hard rip-off is No Contest starring Shannon Tweed as McClaine and Andrew Dice Clay as Hans Gruber.
http://videodetective.com/home.asp?PublishedID=5589
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#13
Nope. The [irony]"best"[/irony] Die Hard Best Rip Off is Lethal Tender: Kim Coates and Jeff Fahey headline Die Hard-in-a-water-purification-plant. Quite deliciously absurd. And shitty.
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#14
Quote:

Originally Posted by Junior

I think B-action begins and ends with Hard Target, particularly with the wit -

"How does it feel to be hunted?"
"You tell me!"
"You should know better!"

Oh, snap!

This was the best BATTLE OF WITS Ever.
Here's the uncut version:


Lance: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrHEY! *fires gun*
You lucky son of a bitch! You want some more of that?!

Van Damme: YEAH!
How does eet feel to be hunted?

Lance: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrYOU TELL ME!

Van Damme: YOU! Should know better!

Lance: Come on you son of a bitch! Take your best shot!

Van Damme: yyyyyyyyyAAAAAAHHHH!
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#15
The Die Hard rip offs are their own category. If you want to get down to it, you got Under Siege duking it out for that title as well.

The king of crappy DTV action movies in the 90's was Lorenzo Lamas, hate him or hate him, he was in every HBO Thursday night shit fest for like eight years running, all the while doing his syndicated Renegade (with that actor's actor, Branscombe Richmond) and perfecting the mullettail to a high art.

Let's not slight Don 'the Dragon' Wilson, either, who I think made a shitload of movies with PM as well.

Lethal Tender, though, that does come close I guess. Whatever happened to Fahey? I liked that guy.
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#16
Quote:

Originally Posted by wadew1

Van Damme: YEAH!
How does eet feel to be hunted?

I always thought he said "haunted". Now it makes more sense.
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#17
No, it made more sense the other way around. In that movie, Van Damme was a ghost.
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#18
Sorry Bal, I gotta call foul on both Lamas and Don "The Bore" Wilson. They were just so bland, though I'll admit to enjoying "Renegade" when it was on but mainly due to Richmond. I haven't seen any of Wilson's PM films. I keep seeing one called CYBER-TRACKER show up on cable but I just can't stomach him, not even when he has an actor like Michael Ironside backing him up in RED SUN RISING.

I do agree about Fahey. I'll never get why that guy just vanished. He has a small role, and spends about 10 minutes holding onto the hood of a car during a great chase in PM's THE SWEEPER.

One guy who has really turned into a force in this arena is Lou Diamond Phillips. I have no doubt that the majority of his DTV ventures are a waste but the combo of EXTREME JUSTICE and A BETTER WAY TO DIE are all I need to be satisfied with the man. I just saw a trailer for a movie he finished called BLOODLINES with Yancy "nose candy" Butler and good ol' Jeff Speakman. I look forward to the magic that trio is bound to create.
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#19
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brad Millette

No, it made more sense the other way around. In that movie, Van Damme was a ghost.

SPOILER WARNING, PLEASE!
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#20
It's not really a spoiler. It's very subtextual.
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#21
Please let me clear this up: I can't stand Lamas, I only own five, maybe ten of his movies, but still, I can't stand him. Maybe it's fifteen. I'll get back to you on that. He has to be mentioned, though.

Don Wilson is a guy I like who made movies that I never finished. Maybe one with Matthias Hues where Hues is a serial killer with a Mommy thing.

Stay away from any movie with Cyber in the title. Trust me. I learned the hard way.

There is a movie I want to start a thread on, if I haven't already, called Fist Fighter, with some guy named Jorge Rivera, who looks like a buff John Kerry, the aforementioned Matthias Hues, Edward Albert, not the Green Acres guy, but the other one, who plays a Mexican, I think, his accent comes and goes, named Punchy, and Mannix himself, Mike Connors, playing the heavy. Mannix uses the term "my friend" a lot, which shows you the high quality of the screenplay.
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#22
Lies.
I ask you, if Van Damme was a Ghost, how did he PUNCH OUT A SNAKE?
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#23
Biting of a good portion of that snake is what impressed me, that was more god-like than ghost-like.

Yeah, Matthias Hues is an epic talent. I was sad to see him wasted in the recent William Forsythe/Erika Eleniak letdown STRIKE FORCE. If only someone could provide him with the proper cinematic outlet for his artistic gifts.
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#24
I was trying to convince this virgin chick recently to lose it with me, and she was getting all righteous and saying that she had experienced lots of sexual things (being bisexual) without actual intercourse. Not wanting to offend her, I merely told her that she had seen SUDDEN DEATH, and I was simply recommending that she might also enjoy BLOODSPORT, and perhaps, under certain circumstances, would like WAKE OF DEATH. She read me beautifully. Thanks, Jean Claude.
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#25
I don't watch many DTV films since time becomes more precious when you get married and get a full time job, but I am happy to see that the DTV industry is keeping alive the great American tradition of the grade B or lower film.
I wonder when somebody is going to reverse the trend and an actor who made a mark in DTV films becomes a major mainstream box office star, a la John Wayne in the 1930's.
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#26
Quote:

Originally Posted by fabfunk

I was trying to convince this virgin chick recently to lose it with me, and she was getting all righteous and saying that she had experienced lots of sexual things (being bisexual) without actual intercourse. Not wanting to offend her, I merely told her that she had seen SUDDEN DEATH, and I was simply recommending that she might also enjoy BLOODSPORT, and perhaps, under certain circumstances, would like WAKE OF DEATH. She read me beautifully. Thanks, Jean Claude.

I applaud your brain slug.
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#27
Quote:

Originally Posted by dudalb

I wonder when somebody is going to reverse the trend and an actor who made a mark in DTV films becomes a major mainstream box office star, a la John Wayne in the 1930's.

Though certainly not as big as Wayne, Viggo Mortensen is a guy who did some DTV stuff like AMERICAN YAKUZA and TRIPWIRE (which I still have never been able to track down) as he was becoming a supporting actor in mainstream films, to the headliner that he is today. Probably not exactly what you mean but it does set a precedent of sorts.

One day Dolph, one day.
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#28
Seeing as someone beat me to Hard Target, and Moltisanti hasn't mentioned this gem yet, I have to throw Showdown in Little Tokyo into the mix.

I thought this was the greatest film ever made when I was 11 and I bought the DVD for about five quid 3 years ago. Thank Jebus they put the trailer on that sucker, cos it's one of the best trailers ever made.

Dolph. Brandon Lee. Tia Carrere. That evil, snake-like Japanese guy from Rising Sun (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa? Hope that's right, can't be arsed IMDB'ing it). 76 minutes. A shitload of squibs. And the line, "You have the biggest dick I have ever seen on a man." Lord knows what sort of dicks he's seen on chicks, cos he's talking to Lundgren, man!

It's still ludicrous fun, and Lee has an uncanny Jim Carrey-ness about him in some scenes. Sure, some of the action is a bit shoddy, but it ripsnorts its way along and crams in as many cheesy lines, gory deaths and naked tits as it can in its slender running time. I know i'm not the only one holding a candle for this one.
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#29
Quote:

Originally Posted by sackley

Thank Jebus they put the trailer on that sucker, cos it's one of the best trailers ever made.

Damn straight! You're lucky you got a trailer. Region 1 doesn't have jack! Thank God for this site. It may not be the same trailer they showed overseas but it sure does sum up all the film has to offer, minus the sushi served on naked broads.
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#30
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nigel St. Buggering

[B]
I was so disillusioned by Transporter 2 that I had to rewatch the first one to make sure I hadn't been on LSD when I'd seen it. Nope, I still like that film. It had real driving stunts and everything.

That bit with the bomb on the bottom of the car is one of the biggest What The Fuck moments I've seen in years. I mean, really. What The Fuck? At least the hose fight tried to be worth the ticket price.

Tell me about it. What was up with all the cheap CGI this time around? That car bomb "stunt" was ludicrous. The plane scene is full of astoundingly awful CGI. Not to mention that the combatants are completely uninjured after the plave smacks into the ocean at high speed (and doesn't break up??).

There was still some decent hand-to-hand, especially the hose fight. But also silly stuff like the fat black guy getting crushed by the boat as he screams like a little girl.

And how about the thrilling "save the antidote" scene where Statham plays in traffic? It was slapstick worthy of Buster Keaton.
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#31
You always have to mention the

"Flight's been cancelled."

-"No, YOU'VE BEEN CANCELLED!"

exchange when talking about TRANSPORTER 2.
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#32
Not to mention classics like:

"Dimitri! You scared shit in me!"

And this jawdropping exchange:

Frank: "Jack's been infected with a deadly virus, Audrey. Now anyone who comes into contact with him will die."

Audrey: "What are you telling me? Are you telling me that my son is gonna die?"


Um, "deadly" might be a clue there.
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#33
I like how lingerie chick casually blows up a crappy CGI helicopter with a couple of bullets from her machine gun.
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#34
I liked how the somewhat interesting French inspector from the first film turned into some kind of wacky sitcom loud shirt wearing guy this time around.
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#35
Quote:

Originally Posted by wadew1

I like how lingerie chick casually blows up a crappy CGI helicopter with a couple of bullets from her machine gun.

I believe a number of CGI helicopters have been recalled due to this safety issue.
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