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Jehovah Witnesses at my door
#36
You can get Church of Satan T-Shirts from - where else? - http://www.churchofsatan.com without accepting any sort of obligation to join.

Just sayin'.
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#37
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jcassady

The other week I was walking through a Lowe's parking lot when a guy (no older than 22) called me from behind and asked me to wait. Being the fool that I am, I stopped. He asked me how I was doing and handed me some literature and walked away.

When I looked at it, it was entitled "Coping with the Loss of a Child."

This would have scared the shit out of me. After calling to confirm my kids safety, I would have probably followed this guy for awhile to find out exactly who he was and who he was affiliated with.
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#38
Quote:

Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll

I can see it now. The doorbell rings, you look out the window and lo and behold, it's a couple of Jehovah Witnesses. You go to work, stripping off your clothes, nearly tripping in on your pants in excitment. You're about to open the door when you look down and SHIT, you're flaccid as the day you were born. You start jerking off furiously, rotating through every sexy image you can think of. Scarlett Johanson, Jessica Alba, that hot sorority chick you nailed back in college, Aunt Maggie (Aunt MAggie? What the fuck?), Jessica Alba, pregnant Selma Hayek and her giant breasts AH HA! there we go! It comes to life! It lives! You run to the door and open it...and they're gone. They left already. You peek your head out and see them heading down the road. No way, not so fast! You chase after them, erection a-bouncin', screaming "Wait! Tell me about your God bullshit! Tell me about Jesus!"

Well, if they get there soon enough, there's always the morning glory.
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#39
...
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#40
The naked thing could really backfire, what if they are not Jehovah's Witness, but some relatives you've never met before? Also while getting undressed, they could leave and instead it's the UPS man at the door!
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#41
Quote:

Originally Posted by ElCapitanAmerica

The naked thing could really backfire, what if they are not Jehovah's Witness, but it's the UPS man at the door!

Then maybe that asshole won't throw my fucking packages onto my patio instead of gently placing them on the ground.
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#42
Quote:

Originally Posted by jonvoight's car

Agreed. I was a Mormon missionary for two years in South Korea. I knocked my fair share of doors. It was my least favorite part about my mission because I had an aversion to intruding on people uninvited on their home turf. Civility was always appreciated. Honestly, a firm "I'm really not interested" while closing the door is all it took to get us to move on. If you take the pamphlets, it's often viewed as a sign of interest, however slight, which invites a follow-up visit unless you say otherwise. I don't know how the Jehovah's Witnesses operate, but for Mormon missionaries, we wouldn't go back to a house where the person simply told us they weren't interested and didn't take any pamphlets or books.

I remember those spooky guys in Japan. You could spot them a mile away with their Richie Cunningham super clean cut looks and glazed expressions. I'd immediately run the opposite direction.

Sometimes though they would get the drop on you in a train or something. Once they tried to convert me in the line at McDonalds. Thank god they never discovered my address.
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#43
Ask for a urine sample.
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#44
Try to seduce them into a threesome. Begin by inviting them in and gesture to have a seat. Listen to their spiel for a bit and excuse yourself to slip into something more comfortable. Come out in pajama bottoms and a robe and offer to fix them a cocktail. If they haven't fled by then, make your way around behind where they are sitting and start giving them backrubs. If you have to, try to get them to kiss each other. Works great on couples of same and/or opposite sexes.
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#45
The twist in my area is that the door-to-door evangelicals tend to be Hispanic so the whole spiel is in Spanish; which is fine for me, but a little off-putting since I'm used to it in English. The last time the old Latin women came to my apt door, my first thought was to wonder who was the dumb fuck to buzz them into my building complex? When I looked though the keyhole and saw the women I simply stripped naked and answered the door with a towel around my waist. I told them that I was about to jump into the shower and couldn't talk to them. I think I flustered them a bit with my near nakedness.

The ironic part is that there's a Mormon temple around the corner from my building (that was the last thing I expected to find when I moved to the area) and I can't remember seeing any missionaries come by or walk around my neighborhood once.
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#46
Quote:

Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll

I can see it now. The doorbell rings, you look out the window and lo and behold, it's a couple of Jehovah Witnesses. You go to work, stripping off your clothes, nearly tripping in on your pants in excitment. You're about to open the door when you look down and SHIT, you're flaccid as the day you were born. You start jerking off furiously, rotating through every sexy image you can think of. Scarlett Johanson, Jessica Alba, that hot sorority chick you nailed back in college, Aunt Maggie (Aunt MAggie? What the fuck?), Jessica Alba, pregnant Selma Hayek and her giant breasts AH HA! there we go! It comes to life! It lives! You run to the door and open it...and they're gone. They left already. You peek your head out and see them heading down the road. No way, not so fast! You chase after them, erection a-bouncin', screaming "Wait! Tell me about your God bullshit! Tell me about Jesus!"

This is the first time I've run into this:

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Patrick Ripoll again."
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#47
"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Patrick Ripoll again."
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#48
I wish they'd come to my door.

All I ever get are those sleezy sales people that travel the country living out of motels trying to peddle magazine subscriptions for a trip to Hawaii.
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#49
If you're planning on answering the door naked, throw on a robe, tuck your tallywhacker in, and do your best Jamie Gum impression, including his wiggly dance. Extra points if you throw on a wig, carry a poodle, or ask them "Wanna fuck me? I'd fuck me".

They'll talk about you for YEARS.
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#50
I think Bad Boys 2 covered how to deal with unwanted visitors pretty well:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4pIJtt48g4
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#51
My freshman or sophomore year of high school I answered the door and didn't realize the elderly ladies were Jehovah's Witnesses. My dog was feverishly trying to escape, so I closed the door, and accidentally locked myself out.

I surreptitiously rang the doorbell repeatedly and my brother just ignored it, and occasionally peaked out the window. It was at least fifteen minutes before they stopped peppering me with questions like: "Do you know the name of God", or "Do you fear hell?"

I was sorely tempted to beat the shit out of my brother after walking around to the backyard and finding an open door.
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#52
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rumteldat

Damn you, now I want to see bad boys 2.I feel dirty.

Don't worry. You're only human.
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#53
"You ever make love to a man?"
"No."
"You want to?"

Christ, now I want to watch Bad Boys II. Damn you, Chris!
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#54
Just doing my best to spread the gospel according to Bay.
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#55
You can always threaten them with a blood transfusion.
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#56

Just a few minutes ago, I heard a knocking on my door. And there they are again...JW spreading the news, The watchtower. So I kindly took the 2 mags. and said so kindly I will give them to my mom. And I shut the door. I swear these 2 ladies have great memories because they keep coming back. The other FEW times they came I didnt answer the door plus what helped I had the stereo turned up loud. I try not to be rude but sometimes you got too be.

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#57
AIf someone I don't recognize knocks on my door and they don't look like law enforcement about to ask me if I've seen a murder, I greet them with "I'm happy with my current religious affilitation, if that's what this visit is about." If they fail to take the hint and they ask, I tell them I'm a non-denominational Satanist.

I even keep literature next to the door on standby.
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#58

I'm getting actual mail from the JWs and it's really bothering me. Handwritten letters, pamphlets, and now some creepy book. I don't want Jeebus clogging up my mailbox.

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#59
AWrite them back: "Thanks for the free toilet paper samples. Please send more ASAP!"
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#60

My folks and I used to be part of "the faith" as they call it. Never got baptized and left around my teens.  There were some really nice people there but the whole thing is basically a cult.  I remember at the time they were advocating the world would end in the year 2000, which of course went well for them.

Never did the door to door thing though - you don't do it if you are not baptized.

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#61

I actually do like their tactics though, im not sure if they go through some kind of program where they are taught strategy or if this guy was just a dick but he tried his best to back me into a corner quick. I open the door and right away I told him I wasn't interested. His counter was "So you don't believe in god?" Now the truth is I kinda don't, I guess agnostic is the word but it struck me how fucked up that was because he doesn't know what I believe in. It's certainly a much stronger possibility that I believe in another god given the statistics in this country. But I get it that gets most people on the defensive and it forces them to engage and spend time telling them about their belief in god and that is where I assume he would come in and tell me about the "true god". Instead of all that I just said "fuck you" and shut the door. I assume they went to my Muslim neighbors where im guessing they had about the same luck. Im sure they were nicer than I was but given that I have never seen the lady of the house because she wears one of those full body cover jobs im guessing they are pretty committed to the whole thing.

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#62

I know this was a long time ago. As someone who used pretend I wasn't  home and am 3 months into  bible studying with witnesses years later, just know you have the right to ask them to put you down on their territory list as a do not knock or call list. Not sure what it is truly called but they will know. They will skip over your address. My teacher told me about that a few weeks ago. They are truly a wonderful group of people who respect others wishes not to be called on if you do not want them to come by. There is no need to be rude just politely  ask them to put them down on the list.

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