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When your relationship ends.
#71

To try and brighten this thread a touch, I um, have a date on Saturday.

So there you go.

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#72

Hope it goes well, Rain Dog. I re-entered the dating scene after being absent for 20 years two summers ago. It was fun and a bit surreal at first. If you keep your expectations very low*, and just go to have a good time**, things will go fine. Relax and be yourself. If the ultimate goal, at some point, is a serious relationship, being yourself is the best thing you can do.

*This doesn't mean lower your standards; the low expectations are about the results of the date, not the quality of people or some kind of comment on women in general.

**Not code for "sleep with a lot of people." Unless that's your goal. Then hey, be safe, and have fun. I viewed my first few months of dating as sort of the emotional equivalent of spring training or slowly getting back into exercise. It ain't the real thing, but it's all useful for the real thing when it comes along.

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#73

Definitely sleep with a lot of people. Be a man-slut for a bit, RD.

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#74

stelios is a wise man. I hear Amanda Knox is on the market!

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#75

Been there, done that, Andrew.

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#76

RD, I can't say enough about being man-slut in this type of situation also.  Having been in a few relationships that have lasted years and ended abruptly, I've noticed that getting back out there is part of the therapy.  I was depressed worrying that I wouldn't find anyone else who would give me a second look, never mind love me, but something always seemed to happen postitively when I least expected it too (a one night stand here, a date there...).

Glad to hear you are having better days now.  I have to imagine your two dogs are good therapy too.  No matter what you do or what you are feeling, your dogs will always love you.  I've had a dog for 4 months now and coming him seeing him wag his tail wag is very therapeutic for me when I have a bad day.  But I agree with most everything in this post.  Staying active, putting yourself out there, splurging on things you normally wouldn't, and just taking advantage of activities you couldn't do when you were in a relationship.  "The grass is alway greener", as the saying goes.  When you fantasized about things you could do while single then now is the time to do them.  Get it all out of your system before your next relationship starts.  And make sure you don't rush into anything you're not ready for.

It's refreshing to see someone who is really grounded and feels for his ex when she was the one who ended it.  It shows what type of maturity you have.  I know that I would have the "Ha, now you know how it feels" type of response on my mind and I think that's natural, but it's cool to see that you have the patience to think things out.

When I am down and want to escape, I like to smoke weed and play video games.  Probably not the best advice as weed is a depressant also, but it's just something I like to do.  Get immersed in an epic game (Skyrim comes to mind) and it can help you through the day.

Good luck on your date, bro.

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#77

Hope the date goes well, RD.

Fellas, I'm a little nervous about tonight. I'm going to a comedy show tonight and worried my ex-girlfriend might be there; we'd both purchased tickets for the event before she kicked me to curb. A couple of her friends are also going.

Best case: She bags out, and I don't run into her friends. I'm not interested in getting a progress report from them on how she's doing. She's not a fan of the comic anyway, so in all likeliness, she'll just eat the $10 ticket.

Worst case: She goes, and we run into each other. Seeing her again is just something I can't handle right now. The other day, I stumbled upon a photo of us at Disneyland when I was cleaning out my email folders, and I was wrecked for the rest of the afternoon.

Absolute worst case: She goes and brings her husband along with her for no reason other than to twist the knife. She doesn't strike me as that cruel of a person, though. But I've been wrong before. And from what I know about him, he's a real piece of work. By "work," I mean shit.

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#78

Don't go. It's only $10 and if seeing her again is going to cause that much pain, then make sure you leave out any chance at all of a "run in"

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#79

So what if she goes? Your evening should be your evening, regardless if she is there or not.

Don't cancel out yourself. Go and enjoy the show. If she's there acknowledge her, if you have to.....but leave it at that and live your life, and don't let it be dictated by negative emotions.

"Moving on" doesn't involve going over any other possibility for the evening other than enjoying the show.

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#80

I'm with MoonBase at this point. It's $10. If you're certain you can't handle seeing her casually in a social situation, bench yourself with no regrets. I've had the unanticipated run-in with an ex, handled it badly, and hated myself for weeks after.

Heal up. Get your sense of self back. Don't put yourself in a position where you're very likely to run into her until you're ready and able to walk through it unruffled and centered.

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#81

Brandito, so sorry you are in a tough place right now. I hope you can remember that things always look better with time

As for the comedy club... My advice? If she happens to be there and forces a confrontation, play it cold as ice. Zero emotion! Be virtually non communicative. Just be barely civil enough to respond, but make sure there is no warmth in your voice, nothing to suggest that her presence is welcome

EXAMPLE:

HER: "how have you been doing?"

YOU: ::withering stare, deliberate 4-5 second pause before answering::: "OK"

Don't engage in niceties like asking  in return how she's doing, ETC. Just the bare minimum of verbal communication until she feels so awkward she is forced to excuse herself and withdraw, concluding the encounter on your terms

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#82

Plus, her name is Brie. You're lucky to be out.

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#83

Fuck it, Bradito. Not worth the trouble.

You can always hang around and watch Starship Troopers in a couple of hours along with the rest of us chumps.

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#84


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Hope the date goes well, RD.

Fellas, I'm a little nervous about tonight. I'm going to a comedy show tonight and worried my ex-girlfriend might be there; we'd both purchased tickets for the event before she kicked me to curb. A couple of her friends are also going.

Best case: She bags out, and I don't run into her friends. I'm not interested in getting a progress report from them on how she's doing. She's not a fan of the comic anyway, so in all likeliness, she'll just eat the $10 ticket.

Worst case: She goes, and we run into each other. Seeing her again is just something I can't handle right now. The other day, I stumbled upon a photo of us at Disneyland when I was cleaning out my email folders, and I was wrecked for the rest of the afternoon.

Absolute worst case: She goes and brings her husband along with her for no reason other than to twist the knife. She doesn't strike me as that cruel of a person, though. But I've been wrong before. And from what I know about him, he's a real piece of work. By "work," I mean shit.


Okay, maybe I'm reading this wrong.... Bringing her husband along?

Either you broke up, and she quick got married, or you were dating a married woman?

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#85

Yeah, I was a little confused too.

In any regard, just don't go.  Eat the $10 and go do something else.  It's not worth it.  Even if she doesn't show up, you will be worrying about it and looking for signs of her all night.

Starship Troopers!  Casper, Jake, Denise, Michael, and the chatty naked shower gang are all waiting for you.  Enlist today!

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#86

Hmm, "Starship Troopers" watchalong or WTF Live with Marc Maron? Both sound so tempting.

I'm almost positive she won't go to the show, so there's no sense in my missing out, too. And if she does, I'll just take PK's advice.

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#87

Nick and Max need to read the thread a leeeetle closer before wondering about Brads story methinks.

Anyway yeah, it's looking like I have a date. Nothing serious, just meeting a new lass who I seem to have a fair bit in common with so we'll see. At this point, I'm much more interested in man whoring than settling down, in fact the further I get from the break up and come to identify myself as a solo entity, the more I'm enjoying the freedom that comes along with that. I'll settle down eventually again I'm sure, but I'm really in no hurry and won't really commit unless I'm 100% emotionally onboard for the long haul. I reckon thats gonna be a while.

In the meantime I'm happy to meet new people and see what happens, the plan is tho to make this a helluva summer. One I can look back on with a smile.

Max mentioned my two dogs as therapy and I have to say, the further I get from my post breakup grief and the more perspective I garner on it, the more I realise how utterly vital they were to me getting through all this without succumbing to despair and depression. Of course the rallying of friends and family was really wonderful and touching, but there were still nights alone in those early days as well. The two dogs tho were my emotional life saver. I still went low in those days (hell my heart was breaking), but those two were the cushion that kept me from rock bottom in many ways.

Max also mentioned weed as a comfort and yeah, I'm still indulging I'll admit, that said tho I'm barely drinking, stopped eating all the time and have dropped a tonne of weight (at my heaviest I was getting up around 145-150 kgs at the end of last year, weighed myself for the first time Sunday and I'm down to 102) - so I'm seeing this simply as a matter of trading vices for a desired result.

Now to start god-damn writing again. To say I've had a creative crisis of self esteem as I've tried to start getting words down once more would be a massive understatement. This is my new journey right now.

...and Brad for what it's worth, fuck her, live your life, if you really want to go, go.

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#88

Ooops, sorry about that, i missed his post above.   

Anyways, screw her.  Don't let her presence dictate what you do with your life.  If you don't go to the show, basically she is controlling you.  The best way to get over it, is to go, and if she is there think of it as another step in getting over her.  Break ups hurt, there is no doubt about it, but being afraid is even worse.

I was in a four year relationship in college.  The girl I was dating was majoring in the same field as me, and we had many classes together.  She broke up with me during our last semester.  I had to see her every day.  Why did you break up with me?  Because she was cheating on me for the last year with another guy in one of classes, because HE HAD MORE MONEY, and spent it on her freely.  So, I went from sitting next to my girlfriend one day, to seeing her sitting next to this other guy the next, all why thinking about how he must have been laughing behind my back the whole time.  It fucking sucked worse then any other break up I had.  But I went to class everyday.  I remember talking to my father right after it happened.  Telling him I didn't want to go to class, and how I wanted to just drop the course and take it again next year.  He told me to stop it and to not anyone dictate my life.  The worst thing I could do was not go to class, because then, I'm letting everyone know that it's getting to me.  I went, it was hard, but I made it through and was stronger because of it.  (then I rebounded with a girl who broke my nose because she was crazy, so maybe don't take my advice)

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#89

I have to commend Rain Dog, Sebastian, and everyone else for being so candid and open in this thread. It really speaks volumes about the quality of the people here on Chud. I don't have the time to go into all the details, but the past year has been pretty lousy for me. Much of it having to do with a friend I started to develop feelings for and her pretty much shutting me out of her life when she found out. While it has sucked, reading the stories on here has given me a new perspective and plenty of helpful tips. I wouldn't begin to compare what I have experienced to some of the real stories of loss posted earlier, but it shows that it is possible to move on when life hands you a big bag of lemons. Thanks.

Bradito, let us know how your evening went. Hopefully, there was no drama.

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#90

Evening went off without a hitch, JPL. Didn't see my ex-girlfriend or her friends, and the show was unbelievably great. Watching live comedy has been what's kept me going this past year. Everyone in the thread is absolutely right about finding a new hobby to help you cope with things. I need something that gets me out of my apartment, and I love stand-up.

It still stings a little bit when I go to my favorite club because -- you guessed it -- that's where I met my ex-girlfriend; and it's where we had our first date. She also saw me perform there a couple of times. Fingers crossed she doesn't go back there again. I think I'm entitled to sole custody of the venue, all things considered.

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#91


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Evening went off without a hitch, JPL. Didn't see my ex-girlfriend or her friends, and the show was unbelievably great. Watching live comedy has been what's kept me going this past year. Everyone in the thread is absolutely right about finding a new hobby to help you cope with things. I need something that gets me out of my apartment, and I love stand-up.

It still stings a little bit when I go to my favorite club because -- you guessed it -- that's where I met my ex-girlfriend; and it's where we had our first date. She also saw me perform there a couple of times. Fingers crossed she doesn't go back there again. I think I'm entitled to sole custody of the venue, all things considered.



Glad it went well!

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#92


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Evening went off without a hitch, JPL. Didn't see my ex-girlfriend or her friends, and the show was unbelievably great. Watching live comedy has been what's kept me going this past year. Everyone in the thread is absolutely right about finding a new hobby to help you cope with things. I need something that gets me out of my apartment, and I love stand-up.

It still stings a little bit when I go to my favorite club because -- you guessed it -- that's where I met my ex-girlfriend; and it's where we had our first date. She also saw me perform there a couple of times. Fingers crossed she doesn't go back there again. I think I'm entitled to sole custody of the venue, all things considered.



Good to hear the night worked out Bradito, and good on you for going. Your story touched a nerve with me since I went through almost exactly the same thing as you four months ago. My ex hadn't filed for divorce yet (She had the papers but never got round to signing them... Yep, that worried me but I had faith she'd do it when she was ready) but like with your situation, it was the happiest, healthiest relationship I'd had in years... Then two months of virtually no contact and a dumping over the phone. Sadly, my ex never did tell me straight exactly why she wanted to end it, but the few things I know give me good reason to suspect that if she hasn't taken her loser pisshead husband back by now, it'll happen very soon.

So yeah, I have lagoons of sympathy for you, fella. As far as I've concerned you've done a sterling job of getting through all this and you should be proud, and I endorse all the advice folks round here have given you. Some wise words indeed.

And JPL, I have a long and storied history of falling for the wrong friends at the wrong times so totally understand your position. It does suck terribly, but all you can do is keep your distance and let her come back to you. Right now she's probably confused and trying to figure out how to think of your relationship, much as you're doing the same. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but she's either going to have the maturity to roll with this new information (Whether it involves getting together with you or not) or she's going to stay hidden. I know it's a cliche, but if she does the latter she was never a friend to begin with. But I'm sure she is and you'll hear from her soon, in which case all I can recommend is to try and be ready for the romantic and platonic outcomes and try not to have too many expectations. The important point is, you said it, got it out of your system and even if it never goes further the knowledge you DID say it is far more comforting in the long run than knowing you never let it out.

Hope that helps, anyway.

And good luck on the date, RD!

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#93

Just got off the phone with Brie. She texted me this afternoon and said things with her husband are over. For good this time. We talked for almost an hour. Might meet up later tonight. I want to see what happens. The past few weeks have been agonizing, but I feel like she's gone through hell, too. Now granted, she kind of brought it on herself. I still think she deserves a second chance. If I told her to get lost, I know I'd always wonder what might've been. What do you guys think?

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#94

Hmmm, I want to be happy for you, but make sure to be careful and take things slow. You seem like a decent guy and I don't want to hear you getting your heart broken again. Having said that, good luck with Brie.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Workyticket 

And JPL, I have a long and storied history of falling for the wrong friends at the wrong times so totally understand your position. It does suck terribly, but all you can do is keep your distance and let her come back to you. Right now she's probably confused and trying to figure out how to think of your relationship, much as you're doing the same. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but she's either going to have the maturity to roll with this new information (Whether it involves getting together with you or not) or she's going to stay hidden. I know it's a cliche, but if she does the latter she was never a friend to begin with. But I'm sure she is and you'll hear from her soon, in which case all I can recommend is to try and be ready for the romantic and platonic outcomes and try not to have too many expectations. The important point is, you said it, got it out of your system and even if it never goes further the knowledge you DID say it is far more comforting in the long run than knowing you never let it out.

Hope that helps, anyway.

Workyticket, thanks for the advice, but I'm pretty sure that things aren't going to change. The last time I ran into her was at a charity walk in May, and neither one of us felt comfortable enough to talk to each other. It sucks, but right now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and to stop feeling sad about how things ended.

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#95


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Just got off the phone with Brie. She texted me this afternoon and said things with her husband are over. For good this time. We talked for almost an hour. Might meet up later tonight. I want to see what happens. The past few weeks have been agonizing, but I feel like she's gone through hell, too. Now granted, she kind of brought it on herself. I still think she deserves a second chance. If I told her to get lost, I know I'd always wonder what might've been. What do you guys think?



There is only one person you can trust in this world, and it's yourself. I'm glad she's open to teaming back up, but remember she's let you down once before. Stay guarded. Stay frosty.

Feel free to go out again, but don't feel too surprised if one day you find she doesn't have your back

Best of luck, Brandito! Tell us the story turns out!

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#96


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Just got off the phone with Brie. She texted me this afternoon and said things with her husband are over. For good this time. We talked for almost an hour. Might meet up later tonight. I want to see what happens. The past few weeks have been agonizing, but I feel like she's gone through hell, too. Now granted, she kind of brought it on herself. I still think she deserves a second chance. If I told her to get lost, I know I'd always wonder what might've been. What do you guys think?



You know the situation better then anyone so do what you feel is best.

I don't know her, but it is never a good sign one someone jumps from relationship to relationship to relationship (no matter the reasoning).  If you have any doubt, that she wouldn't be jumping back to her husband again, or another guy if you turned her down... just tread carefully.

Also, I wouldn't tell her to get lost.  You can never have too many friends.

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#97

Had a great time at the show with her. Funnily enough, I'd bought the tickets BEFORE she broke up with me. So it was kind of fitting that we ended up going together after all.

We're going to give our relationship another shot. She knows she screwed up. Things fell apart with her husband pretty quickly after she left me, not that I'm too surprised. She told me she'd been trying to engineer a way for us to bump into each other again, going to places she knew I'd be. Some people might call that "stalking" and they'd probably be right.

Anyway, here we go. This is her second chance. She's not getting a third. Last night was amazing. It felt so normal to be with her again, to hold her hand and make her laugh. I'm still a little wounded from knowing that the past few weeks of sadness could've been avoided entirely. But she's trying to atone for that. I have to give her credit. I'm certainly not going to hold it over her for the rest of our lives. I want this to work, and I'm pretty confident she does, too.

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#98


Quote:
Originally Posted by NickP View Post

I was in a four year relationship in college.  The girl I was dating was majoring in the same field as me, and we had many classes together.  She broke up with me during our last semester.  I had to see her every day.  Why did you break up with me?  Because she was cheating on me for the last year with another guy in one of classes, because HE HAD MORE MONEY, and spent it on her freely.  So, I went from sitting next to my girlfriend one day, to seeing her sitting next to this other guy the next, all why thinking about how he must have been laughing behind my back the whole time.  It fucking sucked worse then any other break up I had.  But I went to class everyday.  I remember talking to my father right after it happened.  Telling him I didn't want to go to class, and how I wanted to just drop the course and take it again next year.  He told me to stop it and to not anyone dictate my life.  The worst thing I could do was not go to class, because then, I'm letting everyone know that it's getting to me.  I went, it was hard, but I made it through and was stronger because of it.  (then I rebounded with a girl who broke my nose because she was crazy, so maybe don't take my advice)


Sorry about that, but this is a lesson I learned early in school: never, EVER date someone with the same major as you.  It's the equivalent of dating at work.  I never did it personally, but I saw so much drama go down because of this common mistake.  I was lucky to find a sweetheart of a guy with a completely different major from me, and that was part of my attraction to him.  His career path was nothing like mine, and that intrigued me so much about him.  Spending all day with like-minded folks only to hang out with someone with a different perspective was jarring in the best possible way.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Had a great time at the show with her. Funnily enough, I'd bought the tickets BEFORE she broke up with me. So it was kind of fitting that we ended up going together after all.

We're going to give our relationship another shot. She knows she screwed up. Things fell apart with her husband pretty quickly after she left me, not that I'm too surprised. She told me she'd been trying to engineer a way for us to bump into each other again, going to places she knew I'd be. Some people might call that "stalking" and they'd probably be right.

Anyway, here we go. This is her second chance. She's not getting a third. Last night was amazing. It felt so normal to be with her again, to hold her hand and make her laugh. I'm still a little wounded from knowing that the past few weeks of sadness could've been avoided entirely. But she's trying to atone for that. I have to give her credit. I'm certainly not going to hold it over her for the rest of our lives. I want this to work, and I'm pretty confident she does, too.



I think it took her going back to the shithead to see and appreciate just how good she had it with you.  Hope she makes the most of her second chance.

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#99

Didn't want to start a new thread for this -- seemed like too much of a "Hey look at me gesture" -- but my wife and I are separating.  She's moving out this weekend.  It's a long story, but suffice it to say mistakes were made on both sides, with one of us unable to see the problems and the other unable to voice that they existed, and so here we are. There's no good guy or bad guy here, just two people who wish they could have handled things differently

I don't know if this is permanent -- and I don't know if she knows either -- but she'd decided she needs to be apart to figure out where she wants to go from here, wherever that may be.  And as much as I hate it, I have to let her do what she needs to in order to be happy.

I'll be okay. I'm not planning on doing anything self-destructively stupid.  Part of the reason I came back here was to find some comfort and release in a place that was simple and familiar, and it's been a welcome distraction.  For now, I'll remain hopeful, but prepared for the worst. And hope for her happiness, no matter what happens.
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Sorry to hear it, Richard.  Counseling already tried?  If not, are there plans to try some?  My feelings on separation are that you cannot learn to grow back together if you are apart.  Not sure if the moving out has to happen but I would absolutely advise against it.  My divorce should finalize this year and while things will most likely go my way there is no "winner" at the end.

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Holy shit, Richard. I am so sorry to read that. It sounds like you're approaching it with a healthy mindset, which is the best you can do. It would be wonderful if things worked out, but the ultimate hope is for you both to be happy, healthy, and safe, whatever that looks like.

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We did a few sessions of counseling, but if I'm being honest, it felt like she was going more to find validation rather than exploration.  I've known since October this was coming, and I've tried everything I can think of to convince her to stay, but she's adamant that she needs time to herself to figure out her happiness and our marriage's role in it.

If there can be a positive to all of this, it's that we don't really own anything jointly.  Separate bank accounts, cars in our own names, renting an apartment, no children.  Really, aside from the impending specter of her departure, things have been pretty friendly and pleasant.  Most likely a product of us trying to keep things sane, but I like to think it's a sign the connection is still there.  But short of locking her up in the bedroom, I can't make her stay.

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Yeah, joint counseling only works if you're both aiming at the same goal (and are both willing/able to do the work needed).

Don't rule out counseling for yourself if things get bad. Ain't no shame in getting some experienced, objective help in catching your balance.

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I have access to some free counseling sessions through my health care plan at work.  It's there if I need it, but I feel okay right now.  Been through blaming her, blaming myself, blaming the universe, and have come down on the side of not putting my life on hold while she figures things out.  I'll still wear the ring, I'll still consider myself married until I'm legally not, but I'm not going to turn into some house-bound hermit drinking himself into oblivion.  I've got a good support network of real-life friends in town who won't let that happen.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post

renting an apartment

...

But short of locking her up in the bedroom, I can't make her stay.



True.  You really need a basement for that.

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